...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

So, in case it wasn't obvious, I've seen the Da Vinci Code. And it was awful. I cannot use strong enough terms to warn people away from this travesty of justice. Tom Hanks should be shot, Dan Brown should be crucified, and that silly French bird needs a one-way ticket to the Reject Bin. Even Sir Ian could not rescue this film from the swirling vortex of pure shitty movie-ness that it creates. Were this movie a living thing, I would recommend cutting off all its limbs and throwing it in a pool of molten lava as a punishment merely for existing.

I did, however, see the trailer for PotC2, the new Bond film and Poseidon. To take the last first, why?! I mean, come on, the original TV series was rubbish anyway - and not in the fun way that 70s tv shows can sometimes be - the new one was rubbish even though it had Jayne and he was all wet, why the fuck did they decide there needed to be a movie? This goes with Underworld 2 and Dr Dolittle 3 in the "what were they thinking?" pile. It's also advertised as coming "From the director of Troy and the Perfect Storm", which serves more as a warning label than a reccomendation. PotC2 looks, unsuprisingly, totally awesome. There's a weird Cthulhu-pirate (he wears a hat!) and Johnny Depp in eyeliner and sexy facial tattoos. I think that's really all that needs to be said. James Bond looks suprisingly not-boring, mostly because of Daniel Craig and Judi Dench, but I probably won't bother seeing it anyway. Just because this one might suck less than every other James Bond movie ever made doesn't mean it won't still suck.

So, today the vile and filthy Hannah forced me to go see the new Pride and Prejudice with her so that she might indulge her unwholesome lust for Keira Knightley's angry tadpole-shaped eyebrows. And... it was terrible. Oh, don't get me wrong, Judi Dench and Donald Sutherland were every bit as awesome as usual, but Keira Knightley just really needs to be killed, or at least forced never to act again on pain of being killed, and Matthew MacFadyen is less "aloof and aristocratic Mr Darcy" and more "sweet and socially inept Angel". I swear, at one point he actually makes David Boreanaz's patent "please don't seduce me" face. And while God knows I love socially retarded!Angel, MacFadyen doesn't even have the decency to do the Angel dance or turn into a puppet, and therefore it makes me sad.

And that's not even the worst of it. Oh no. Prizes go to Rosamund Pike for the blandest, most insipid Jane ever to make it to film (yes, I'm biased, and yes, I love Susannah Harker and wish to bear her babies, but seriously, Pike is quite possibly more irritating than Keira "Angry Tadpoles of DOOM" Knightley), and to Simon Woods for one creepy-ass interpretation of Charles Bingley. I'm serious, every time he smiles at Jane, he's totally imagining peeling her skin off with a knife and stitching a suit out of it. Not to mention, he has the stupidest hairstyle imaginable and he's ginger.

However, my suffering was not in vain, since I may now force Hannah to go see one movie I want to see that she doesn't. It was going to be Serenity, but after suffering through that travesty of justice, I feel that she no longer deserves Space Pirate Cowboy Opera in the style of Joss Whedon, and am thinking of dragging her to see Land of the Dead. Because zombies are frickin' awesome, and also Serenity isn't out for ages yet.

And now, I go to watch The Importance of Being Earnest and Chocolat. Feel the Judi Dench love!