...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

The hug! THE HUG! Andandand he has Alan's dog tags hanging up in his trailer! And "Don't monologue!" And Gwen being all sexy with the Lara Croft outfit and Zoe being all cute in the stompy boots and pleated miniskirts, and it's also haunted by cannibal pirates and HE CLICKED ORDAIN ME and Peter was all, "What the fuck?" and then BURNINATING and did I mention THE HUG OH MY GOD?! *bouncing forever*

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Bra is off, onesie is on, it's Corey Feldman o'clock!

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Had a dream last night that Corey Feldman was coming for tea and I was wigging out because fucking Shoprite didn't have any dips. One trip to Douglas later, I am now fully dipped-up. It's a shame Corey Feldman and I aren't really friends, because I think he would be impressed by the selection of dips that I have.

Hypothetically, if I wished that a natural disaster were to strike Egypt in the next few days, purely on the off-chance that the Faffing Hen were to be horribly killed while holidaying there, is that going too far? Probably an entire country does not need to be devastated by some kind of horrible doom just because my father is a FUCKING ASSHOLE and happens to be in the vicinity. I can wait until he comes back and then cut the brakelines on his fucking car. I don't even know where the brakelines are, but I will find the instruction manual, look it up and CUT THE SHIT OUT OF HIS BRAKELINES.

Ugh. ( Read more... )

Anyway, on a lighter note, oh hay Frogcest. Yay!

Feel very conflicted about prospect of Corey Feldman on Dancing on Ice. On one hand: YAY COREY FELDMAN. On other hand: DANCING ON ICE IS RETARDED. Also feel slightly put out that he is not HARD AT WORK making Lost Boys 4. Possibly this is unreasonable on my part. SORRY COREY FELDMAN. LET'S BE FRIENDS.

I went to see Fright Night yesterday. FAILED SO HARD, you guys. I think Colin Farrell and I are now on the path to major, final breakup. The dialogue wasn't funny or clever, the comedic timing was way off (and jesus, you have the Tenth Doctor, the star of In Bruges, and Red Mist all playing major roles, how do you get all three of them to somehow not be hilarious?) there was no plot to speak of and basically everyone was a complete window-licking dullard. Also, Jerry semephored that he was a vampire so hard, that even if you were the kind of person who automatically discounts "oh, he's a vampire" as an explanation for neighbour-based weirdness, you would still think he was a massive creeposaurus.

Also, Colin Farrell's vampire form was this massive fake-head thing that make him look like the kid from Battle Dib. Every time he turned into it, part of me was expecting him to start screaming "SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNKKKK!" and beating Jailbait Chekov with an over-sized cotton wool bud. The only bits that raised a smile was whenever Jerry got really badly injured, he would do this weird "epilectic on meth" seizure dance thing.

At least it was only an hour and a half long. Even so, it felt like marathoning all three extended editions of Lord of the Rings back-to-back, except for the bit where Lord of the Rings was entertaining. What a waste of talent - in the time they used filming this piece of shit, Colin Farrell and David Tennant could have made one decent film each. That's two decent films that will never get made now. Red Mist and Jailbait Chekov could probably have made something less epicly retarded.

And yes, this is coming from someone who rates Lost Boys 3: the Thirst as a solid three out of five. Well done, Colin Farrell - you just rated lower than a straight-to-video Corey Feldman movie. You must be so proud.

There was a trailer for this new Hugh Jackman movie that appears to be about Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. I do not understand. Tintin looks shit, the Puss in Boots movie looks superfluous, and for some reason Disney is showing the Lion King in 3D and marketing it as "for the first time ever!" Christ, just admit that you've run out of ideas, Disney. Paranormal Whatever 3 looks like an over-long cut of the Bloody Mary episode of Supernatural, and the new Sherlock Holmes movie looks alright.

In other news, I have been catching up on Carnivale - the creepiest thing about Evander Geddes isn't that he suffocates little kids with plaster of paris just so he can take casts of their death agonies - it's that bit where he explains to Ben that his objective is "to capture the soul". Because in Carnivale, that is TOTALLY FEASIBLE. Urgh!

I have been watching the Shield, too - thus far, I rate it "quite good." Possibly I will write more when I know people's names. So far all I know is CCH Pounder, who is in everything. She is a police lady. She does police things. Her partner is kind of a spaz, but is quite good at detectoring. There is a bald man. The bald man is basically in charge. He has three little friends who are like his Crime Army. There's another dude who I think is supposed to be in charge, but everyone hates him and likes the bald man best. The other dude is pretty sour about it. CCH Pounder and her spaz-detecting friend don't seem to care either way - they just like to detect stuff. I don't know. I might be wrong.

What the fuck was that, Supernatural?!

I mean, at first I was quite amused by the fact that even Sam and Dean realise that Twilight is for spackers (take heed, Colin Farrell - at this moment, that means that Sam and Dean are cleverer than you!) and I took a moment to be horrified at the idea of a vampire Justin Bieber, spreading shitty music and ridiculous hair through his infectious bite, and to laugh at the whole "are you wearing glitter?" exchange, but then ( Read more... )

Also, is it just me or is Jared Padalecki's head even more massively over-sized than it was last year? His forehead is so big now, he's a bigger slaphead than the actual bald X-Files guy. Either his head is getting bigger, or his body is shrinking, possibly because his spine is slowly crumbling under the pressure of supporting his gigantic skull. Oh my God, he's hideous, why did they ever bring him back? If he'd stayed in hell, it could just be Dean and his guitar-leg from now on.

Today, an innocent day took a dark twist to become A DAY OF HORROR!

THE SCENE: Froodle, Buzz Lighthair of Ron Smith's Command and The Mighty Prawn are in the kitchen. Froodle is making pancakes, the boys sit at the kitchen table.

The Mighty Prawn: What the fuck is this music?
Froodle: It's the CD from Hairspray.
Buzz: Oh my God, what is it with you and shit films?
The Mighty Prawn: Can I listen to the racing?
Froodle: No you fucking can't, leave it alone or I won't make you any pancakes.
The Mighty Prawn: Sourchops. What's Hairspray?
Buzz: Ugh, it's this shit film about this fat bird who shags Zac Efron.
Froodle: Buzz!
The Mighty Prawn: That's well harsh.
Froodle: Thank you!
The Mighty Prawn: I mean, being a fat bird already means you get picked on, there's no need to punish her by making her have sex with Zac Efron aswell. Sick film.
Froodle: Hah! It's kind of an awesome incentive though - go to the gym or be forced to mate with Zac Efron.
Buzz: Zac Efron is awesome. Hairspray is a piece of shit that was unworthy of his talent, and he would never shag a fat bird because he's too hot.

silence

Johnny: *walks in* Are those pancakes ready yet or what?

silence

Johnny: What?
Froodle: *girly voice* I'm Buzz Lighthair, I love Zac Efron and Hairspray wasn't good enough for him because he's just so awesome.
The Mighty Prawn: *girly voice* I have a poster of him above my bed and a heart with our names interlinked on my notebook because I'm Buzz and Zac Efron is my boyfriend.
Buzz Lighthair: I didn't say that!
Froodle: You said he was too talented for Hairspray!
Buzz: Okay, I said that, but I didn't say it in that stupid voice.
The Mighty Prawn: That is your voice. That is the voice of everyone who likes Zac Efron.
Buzz: He's a good actor! Have you seen Charlie St Cloud? It was really moving, I cried and everything.
Froodle: Ewww, you cried over Zac Efron!
Johnny: *pretending to cry* Oh Zac Efron, I'm crying because this film isn't good enough for you because you're so talented and awesome!
Buzz: Fuck off Johnny, you started crying over the Green Mile.
Johnny: Yeah, that's normal though - Mister Jingles! If that didn't make you cry, you're dead inside. That's not like being in love with Zac Efron.
Froodle: Buzz, we have to kill you now. If people find out we have a Zac Efron lover in the family, our reputations will be ruined.
Buzz: You like Corey Feldman!
Froodle: Yeah, but I don't go around pretending he's talented and crying over how his movies are unworthy of him!
Johnny: It's our fault, really - we're the oldest, we were supposed to teach you right from wrong, but we failed and now you're an abomination in the eyes of God and man.
The Mighty Prawn: You can't blame yourselves - you did your best, sometimes children are just born monsters.
Buzz: Oh my God, fuck off all of you! *storms out*
The Mighty Prawn: He's gone to cry over his poster of Zac Efron.
Johnny: And sing songs to it about their forbidden love.
Froodle: And write online reviews about how talented he is and how all his films are unworthy of his talent.
Johnny: You'd better leave some pancakes outside his room - he needs to keep his energy up for crying over non-Mister-Jingles bullshit.
Froodle: *girly voice* I'm Johnny Heg, I cried over Mister Jingles because I'm a girl.
Johnny: You are dead inside, seriously!

Oh my God dudes, I love being an unemployed, living-at-home mega-ugly-losertron!

Today I got up and my dad made me this, like, BUCKET of coffee. Then I sat outside on the steps drinking it, watching the sun and the ocean and playing with my cat, Fatnorange. Then I went upstairs and sat in the huge bay window of my room, overlooking the harbour, and read comic books and listened to music for the rest of the morning.

My mum and I had lunch in a little tapas bar in a village a few miles away, and then I went for a three hour walk around the coastal footpaths, and then I bought some blueberries at the local farmers co-op, and then I came back home.

My brothers got back about half an hour ago and they have given me this as a welcome home present. My dad has lit the pot-bellied stove in the playroom and I'm sitting in front of it wearing my t-shirt and writing this and eating my blueberries.

Fatnorange is trying to get me to play with him now, so I have to go, but dudes, seriously, I don't even know why I stayed at the House of Gas for so long. Man I am a spoontard!

Oh my God, you guys! I have officially THE GREATEST SIBLINGS EVER! Not only do I now have three - count them, three! - Monster Squad mugs, I also have a Frog Brothers one! I squealed, I cried, I licked Corey Feldman's face. Then I choked due to this little nugget:

Jonathan: Sorry it's just the little baby Frogs instead of the grown-up ones from the new movie.
Froodle: No, it's awesome-
William: We were going to get them as old people for you, but the guy with the headband's sword was too big.
Froodle: Seriously, you guys, this is awes- wait, what?
Jonathan: Yeah, in all the pictures from the new one, he's got his sword out and it takes up like two thirds of the shot - we couldn't get it to fit on the mug.
Froodle: *giggles*
Buzz: That sword is fucking stupid, it's like twice as big as he is, whenever they're in a scene together the other dude has to stand behind him so he doesn't get poked.
Froodle: *splutters*
Jonathan: Yeah, he's like, "Oh sorry Corey Feldman, I guess I just won't be in half of the movie because your RIDICULOUSLY HUGE WEAPON is blocking me from the camera! Have fun fighting the vampires on your own, God!"
Froodle: *iz ded*