...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

If Billy-Ray and Sweeney Todd got into it, who would win? I think Billy-Ray could take Sweeney in a straight fight, but I also think he'd be so freaked out by all the singing that he'd bail out in the middle due to excessive weirdness.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

My brother is such a spacker. I'm in the kitchen trying to convince Hayley to read the other two Johannes Cabal books and he wanders in and asks "Isn't that Johnny Depp's bird in Sweeney Todd?" Before I can say "No, you 'tard, that was Johanna and she wasn't his bird, she was his daughter," he's off singing "I feel you, Johannes," off-key and at the top of his voice, and has been singing it on and off all evening.

Has anyone else seen the trailer for that Sky Atlantic movie, Neverland? I'm sort of intrigued. Probably it won't be as awesome as the 2003 version with Jason Isaacs, but it might be as good as something that doesn't have Jason Isaacs in can hope to be.

Apparently there's another Peter Pan reimagining next year where Peter is a killin' dude and Hook is trying to catch him. That sounds pretty retarded, but it has the kid from Sleepwalking in it, so who knows?

Also, I saw Pirates of the Caribbean 4 today. It was okay - I didn't come out of it feeling like I'd just wasted two hours of my life, but for a movie that has Johnny Depp and Ian McShane, it wasn't anything like as awesome as I thought it should be. Also, the missionary and the mermaid were so pointless and uninteresting, it actually made me miss Keira Knightley and the gay blacksmith. Unworthy.

Anyways, I think I'm going to go for a swim and get some seaweed to hide in my brothers shoes, so laters!

Okay dudes, this is still not as beautiful as Mohinder/Sylar set to the strains of Johnny Depp's homicidal rhyming rantings in Sweeney Todd, but still: it is quite mind-breakingly lovely. Petrellicest and the afore-mentioned Mohinder/Sylar lovin' done to the tune Without Love from Hairspray.

I can't decide what is more horribly wonderful - Sylar as Penny (pigtails! oral fixation! hostess snacks! OMG even Hairspray knows!) or the fact that all of Link's lines are so strangely Nathan-appropriate.

Also as honourable mentions, this is so how Peter and Sylar's fight at the end of season one should have gone and Petrellis + the tune from True Blood = a thing of pure beauty.

Man, there so needs to be a Broadway musical spin-off of Heroes. I would watch that shit.

...oh wait, no I wouldn't. OH MY GOD NATHAN!

Dudes, Outrageous Fortune is so good, I am completely amazed by both its non-shoddiness and its entire lack of ridiculous facepaint and zombie sheep. Also, Antonia Prebble can actually act* (and is a bit hot too), the psycho peadophile bootcamp instructor who debauches Lex is kind of awesome and likable and not a creepy violent child-molester at all and Van is so adorable, oh my God, there should be a show that is just Van and Munter running around being stoned and ineffective and beautiful.

Also, and totally unrelated, Jared Leto so needs a new show. He's pretty, and all of my favourite shows have either ended or started to suck in the not-fun way, and his band is fucking awful, so clearly he needs to be back on television. Unfortunately, despite the best efforts of myself and El Snithador, we have been unable to come up with the perfect vehicle for Jared Leto's particular brand of prettiness and indeterminate acting abilities.

I think the problem is that the stuff he's been in doesn't really give us a handle on what he can and can't do. I mean, let's break down Jared Leto's key strengths, as demonstrated in his most memorable roles:

• My So-Called Life: He plays Jordan Catalano, a role that consists of leaning against things and making goo-goo eyes at Claire Danes. Oh, and Brian in that one really strange episode where the show went all Cyrano on us.
  
• American Psycho: Christian Bale hits him in the face with an axe. Everyone laughs. Yes, it was fucking hilarious, but it seems like Batbale did all the work in that scene.
  
• Alexander: He wears a lot of eyeliner and follows Colin Farrell around while gazing at him in adoration. This isn't actually acting at all, as everyone has that reaction to Colin Farrell. Don't believe me? Watch the extras, Oliver Stone does the exact same thing every time Colin is on set.

So, what we need is a show that allows him to be pretty and a bit gay, without having to keep up with any actors who are prettier or more talented than him and without requiring to do anything too difficult, like excessive emoting or long speeches. I've also ruled out the following things:

• No shows about vampires. There's no point doing anything with vampires while True Blood is on the air, because Alan Ball is just going to laugh at us and pee in our faces. If this was a couple of years ago when all we had to contend with was Moonlight and Blood Ties, it would be different, but True Blood will outclass us and make us look bad.
  
• No shows with Colin Farrell, Johnny Depp, Antonio Banderas, the Dave or Daddy Winchester. They're all hotter and/or better at acting than Jared, and that's not allowed.
  
• No shows about werewolves. Jared is a girly pretty-boy, and there have been enough non-manly werewolves in the past without him adding to their degradation.

Anything else is fair game, and so I open the floor to suggestions. Jared fights crime? Jared does crime? Jared is in space? Pitch your ideas in the comments, post them in your own LJ, make them an entry on 30SecondsToMarsSuckMonkeyBalls: go nuts! Let's start the Jared Leto TV Revival, and bring passable good looks and mediocre talent back to our screens where he belongs!

*Michelle Ang, however, cannot.

Oh dudes, I am watching the Buffy movie for the first time in like, ten years (seriously, the last time I watched it I still lived at home and it was on TV) and it's so random and campy and beautiful and it's totally making me want to watch the TV series again even though I just watched all of it* like a month ago. Like when they're interviewing kids at the end and that one guy is all, "They had fangs and they were biting people and their eyes were totally dead - I think they were Young Republicans" and that part where Buffy steals the dude's bike and he's like, "Skank! You're a dyke! I'm going to tell the world!" or the fact that her friends are totally Heathers and the one guy who is still dying even after the end credits and it's so beautiful.

Also, this massive spider just ran across my floor and I was so busy giggling about the Buffy movie that I dropped a book on it before I even had a chance to freak out. Yes, it is that good!

Also I watched Interview with the Vampire today and oh my God, how much is the making of Claudia like, the vampire equivilent of deliberately getting knocked up in order to trap a dude into a relationship? She's like a three foot high walking piece of emotional blackmail. Andandand that bit where she tells Louis that she wants to leave and he's all whiny and like, "No that will never happen MY LIFE IS MISERY AND DESPAIR!" and she makes this awesome "get over yourself" face that makes me laugh and which is made even funnier by the fact that she's like seven years old, and that bit where she tells Lestat she has a present for him and he's all, "Then I hope it's a hot babe with boobies which you will never have!" and I'm like OH TOTAL BURN because nothing is worse than the "you'll never be a wo/man!" burn (see also: Kenny from Highlander or Peter Pan in that awesome movie where Jason Isaacs was Hook).

ALSO! Snithy, you should totally have let me show you Bully this weekend - it had male strippers, but they were young and sleek and, if not actually attractive, at least not eye-gougingly hideous and Clivelike. Also, naked Nick Stahl! Being naked and totally mean and punching people for no good reason! Nick Stahl is surely one of the most under-rated beautiful men of our time.

Then again, Bully was actually good so you probably would have had an allergic reaction to it seeing as you only like things that suck in the not-good way, Mrs "Carnivale and OUATIM and the 4400 are crap oh wait let me watch two seasons of the Lair and give us both brain damage!"

Man, you know that fuckwad who created Kidulthood, and all those other even bigger fuckwads who went on about how great it was, when in fact it was a shitty movie about a bunch of dumbass chavs doing dumbass chav things and not getting sterilized and/or shot down like rabid dogs which is really what needed to happen, both in the film and in real life? It would be so great if Larry Clark could give those people lessons in how to make movies about young people that are dark and true and also don't totally fucking suck.

*And by "all of it", what I actually mean is "the first three seasons because I try to pretend everything after Graduation Day didn't happen."

Give me a character from any fandom, tv show, movie, book you know that I know and I will tell you:
a. My favorite thing about that character.
b. My least favorite thing about that character.
c. One person I would ship them with in their own verse.
d. One crossover ship for them I think would be neat.
e. One crossover universe for them I think would be even neater.
f. Their ship from hell.
g. Their song.
h. The title of their biography or autobiography.
i. The last bad dream they had.
j. How they're gonna shuffle off the mortal coil, if they haven't already.

In other news, I am seriously thinking about going back to school full-time. Not to do law (my parental-inflicted enemy of five and a half hideously boring years) or even english (my first love, and like the first guy I fell in love with, a lot of fun at the time but a total waste in the long run) but something practical. Automotive repair or something.

As things stand at the moment, I have absolutely no transferable skills from the three years I have wasted in call centres. So I give great customer service? All that really means is that I'm adept at taking shit from sub-literate fuckwits. And even with the promotion, so now I'm also good at supporting my team with difficult queries? Great, I have the ability to explain incredibly simple concepts to developmentally-challenged clods. Yay for me.

I've survived this long by telling myself I would take my experiances and shape them into a zeitgeist-capturing satirical novel about a phonemonkey who is driven to become a serial killer by the stupidity and rudeness of the general public, but more and more it feels like I might just skip the writing and go straight to the cutting of throats in real life.

If I could do something where I worked with machines instead of people, it might improve my day-to-day moods, if not my habitually grouchy disposition. Not to mention, I may develop the technical skills I need to build my dream invention, the Deppotron. It's the next generation of my initial dream invention, the Deppbot, but where the Deppbot was purely about sex with a robot that looks like Johnny Depp, the Deppotron comes with added features, like the ability to fly and cook and clean and perform household DIY. And of course it shoots lasers from it's eyes, for those inevitable days where sex and cake aren't going to cheer me up and all that will work is a massacre.

Because sometimes even sex with Johnny Depp isn't as satisfying as really fucking someone up.

Dudes, why isn't there a sequel to Heathers? WHY?! At least with other fandoms where there isn't enough canon to go around (Once Upon a Time in Mexico, for example, or the History Boys, or even to a lesser extent SWAT) I can console myself with massive amounts of porn err... well thought-out additions to the universe originally laid out in the movies. But with Heathers, there's nobody carrying on the torch - JD explodes, Veronica smokes, Martha Dumptruck does donuts with her scooter thing, and that's the lot.

Man, somebody write me a sequel to Heathers. JD should be like this mean hallucination and trying to get Veronica to kill some dudes, and you'd never be sure if she's just seeing him because she's nuts or because he is a spooky ghost of evil! And then at the end, Betty Finn would be the baddie! It would rock.

More JD. More Agent Sands. More Gamble/Street porn. That's pretty much this post in ten words or less.

Somebody help me decide what to watch now. I am sad because nothing I own is Heathers 2: the Stabbening. Suggest things!

Fuck you, Homicide! I swear to God, just fuck you! Not content with ruining nearly two weeks of good fandom-intentions, you have to sneak into my other fandoms and wreck them for me too. To recap: it's Sunday afternoon. I've just made a big batch of brownies with nuts and I'm kicking back with a plate of chocolatey goodness, a glass of milk and Eerie, Indiana. Thanks to the beautifulness that is Agent Sands (MOAR AGENT SANDS PLZ!) last night, I have more or less gotten over my Homicide-related hissy fit and I'm feeling pretty mellow. I'm watching No Brain, No Pain and it's that scene where Syndi is looking after the crazy homeless dude and she's trying to explain Todd and Donna in Latvian and suddenly I'm thinking, "Wait a minute, I know that voice..." and it's fucking Kyle Secor aka Wee Bayliss playing Todd, and suddenly all my hatred comes rushing back and the whole experiance is ruined and I go off in a sulk to watch Escaflowne. DON'T FUCKING FOLLOW ME THERE, WEE BAYLISS! THE LOVE IS DEAD!

Fuck you, Homicide. Seriously.

Oh my God, Homicide, you make me so fucking cranky for so many reasons! First of all, you have completely broken my heart with the demise of the Lewis/Kellerman love, which is extra-annoying because they were so beautiful and fun and Luther Mahoney was evil and horrid and deserved to get shot anyway and how dare you meen on poor Mikey and Meldrick for that! And also because it's Clark Johnson and nothing bad should ever happen to him because he directed SWAT and that pretty much gives him a free pass on everything for all fucking time. But also you suck for having a stupid TV movie that I knew nothing about and so, even after I was so good and watched right to the end and didn't spoil myself for any of it, I go off to find some fic at fucking last and suddenly the Intarwebs are all, RARGH OH MY GOD WEE BAYLISS GOES TO JAIL FOR SHOOTIN'S RARGH OH MY GOD! and thanks for fucking wrecking it for me dickholes!* And even after that, your fic is hard-to-find and organised in a totally retarded way and I hate you all!

Anyway, screw you Homicide. I am going to watch Once Upon A Time In Mexico and be all OMG MOAR SANDS PLZ and not think about you anymore. Stupid Homicide.

*Yeah, sorry if I ruined that for anybody else, but OH WAIT NO I'M NOT SORRY AT ALL I AM CRANKY AND MEEN! And no, I didn't misspell that, the extra E stands for added MEEN.