...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Aww fuck, you guys, I think I just permanantly destroyed Batman Begins for myself by watching it right after I watched Breakfast on Pluto. And for once it's completely my own fault, because I've seen both of them multiple times so I can't claim I was tricked into watching or anything. Now every time Dr Crane gases anyone, I keep seeing that scene from BoP where he imagines himself as an undercover counter-terrorist agent, complete with black PVC minidress and flashing a bright yellow bra, and he neutralizes all the bombers by spraying Chanel perfume* in their eyes, and it just destroys me.

In other news, I have decided to invent some kind of coolness scale where characters are awarded points based on the liklihood of them karate-chopping a midget. It'll look something like this:

Karate-chopping a midget: 10 coolpoints
Doing harm to a midget other than by karate-chopping it: 5 coolpoints
Not doing anything mean to a midget: 0 coolpoints
A midget karate-chops you: minus 10,000 coolpoints

I decided to test it out on a random selection and it works pretty well, as shown below:

Jack Bauer: would karate-chop a midget: 10 points.
Sweeney Todd: would cut a midget's throat and make it into pie: 5 points
Al Swearengen: as above, except replace "make it into pie" with "feed to Mister Wu's piggies": 5 points
Edward James Olmos: would shout or glare at a regular midget; only karate-chops midgets if they are Cylons: 7.5 points
Methos: doesn't know karate, but from a moral perspective, would have no problem karate-chopping a midget: 10 points, because he can always learn later.
The Dave: unable to bring himself to harm a midget: 0 points.
Giles: would karate-chop a midget, then fire-bomb its house, but only if the midget really pushed him to it: 10 points
Nathan Petrelli: no qualms about karate-chopping a midget whatsoever: 10 points
Angela Petrelli: would belittle the midget so much it karate-chopped itself: 10 points
Peter Petrelli: gets karate-chopped by the midget. Everyone laughs. Minus 10,000 points.
Agent Sands: if he still has eyes, karate-chops the midget; if not, shoots the midget after locating it by the sound of it's tiny midget feet: 10 points, because the intention is there if not the physical ability.
Moominpapa: doesn't know karate, and anyway has tiny Moomin arms unsuitable for midget-chopping. Would probably write a chapter in his Memoirs about how he karate-chopped it anyway: 5 points for inventiveness.
Mark Cohen from RENT: gets karate-chopped by the midget. Minus 10,000 points.
Idina Menzel, in anything: karate-chops that midget and makes it cry little midget tears. 10 points.
Akio Ohtori: karate-chops the midget, steals its fine midget hos, then runs the midget down in the Akiocar. 10 points.
Stringer Bell: karate-chops the midget only if economically viable. Otherwise, arranges to have it gunned down in a drive-by. 7.5 points.
Oogie Boogie: karate-chops the midget, sings a song about it: 10 points
Ben Hawkins: karate-chops a midget, spends three episodes angsting about it. 9.5 points, as he gets half a point deduction for angst.
Don Eppes: pre-The Bunk, karate-chops that midget and takes a suspension. Post-The Bunk, tries to work out his differences with the midget, then gets Lou Diamond Phillips to karate-chop it for him instead. 7.5 points.
Harvey Dent: gets karate-chopped by a midget, cries like a bitch. Ditto Two-Face, but with half as many tears. Minus 20,000 points because both personalities fail.

I call it the Froodilicus Scale of Karate-Chopped Midgets. Obviously you can't rely on it entirely - for example, Brennan would have no problem karate-chopping a midget whereas The Dave would, but clearly The Dave is clearly cooler than Brennan. But as a rough guide, it's pretty accurate.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm thinking of buying a new storage unit as the number of books, DVDs and random crap in my house has once again reached critical mass. At the moment I am torn between this and this. On the one hand, the cabinet gives me much more storage space and as it's got glass shelves, I can put my models and suchlike in there and not have to worry about dusting them. On the other hand, it's white and white wooden furniture always makes me feel like I'm trapped in a John Hughes movie circa 1984. Comments? Suggestions?

Oh, and finally, and having nothing to do with anything discussed above: MOAR ZODIAC PORN PLZ. That is all.

*For the record, given that pretty much every Chanel product smells like catpiss, I think it would be very effective as a weapon used either by or against terrorists. I know if you sprayed it on me, I'd be too busy choking and retching to even think about blowing stuff up until I'd had a shower.

Still watching Firefly.

You know, I was all set to hate River. I mean, first of all she's played by Summer Glau, and while I have nothing against her generally, she was in that really stupid episode of Angel with the ballet and the lovetriangle of Extreme Dullness, and is thus tainted by association. Secondly, as I believe I've already mentioned, we already Did the whole crazy-but-super-smart-girl thing with Fred, and I'm not even going to start about how much I hate Fred because I'll be here all night.

So, guess who cried like a bitch during "Safe" and "Ariel"?

Yeah, that would be me.

I was welling up during the scene in Safe where she comes across the villagers dancing and joins in. She's twirling and smiling and she looks so graceful and happy, and Simon's watching her, and it's really the first time you get a glimpse of what she must have been like before the Academy, and what Simon must see every time he looks at her. And then later on at the settlement, during the conversation where she tells Simon "You gave up everything you had to find me, and you found me broken. You think I don't understand, but I do," and insists that she'll get better, my heart was breaking for both of them. And finally, the scene where the hillfolk are going to burn her at the stake, and Simon climbs up onto the pyre, puts his arms around her and says "Light it", I actually started to cry.

Watching Simon inject her at the start of Ariel was fairly heart-rending, but worse was the scene inside the imaging suite, where Simon finally discovers what was done to her in the Academy, and his voice sounds like it's about to crack as he describes it to Jayne. Also that last scene where he asks her if she knows what the injection is for, and she says it's time to go to sleep, and he says "No, Mei-Mei. It's time to wake up" and she gives him this wan smile, and I burst into tears.

I'm such a damn wuss.

Comedic moments included Mal's defeat of the utterly detestable Averton Wing ("Mercy is the mark of a great man. *stab* I guess I'm just a good man. *stab* Well, I'm alright."); Jayne mock-reading Simon's diary ("Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. *turns page* Today we were kidnapped by hillfolk, never to be seen again. It was the best day ever!") and Badger's impromptu tea party ("The secret is wood alcohol."). Also, was I the only one suprised that Jayne would know a word like "pretentious"? I'm just sayin'.

Also, Mal totally didn't know that Jayne tipped off the Feds on Ariel. He was just mad because Simon was making puppy-dog eyes at someone who wasn't him. Because seriously, Simon was about three seconds away from jumping Jayne right there in the cargo bay. "He was amazing, I can't even begin to tell you..." Bless. I really wanted him to give Simon a tattoo. Or at least draw a moustache on him or something.

Jaynestown is the absolute highlight of the series. The Ballad of Jayne, Simon's drunken ramblings ("To Jayne, the box-dropping man-ape-gone-wrong thing!") and... okay actually, just any scene involving Simon or Jayne. They're adorable all the way through that episode. "I mighta made me a few enemies..."/"You? No! How can that be?!" Heh.

Am begining to think that Mutant Enemy has some kind of deal going on where they collect the villians that Keifer has already defeated on 24. So far, I've spotted one creepy blue-gloved bloke, one Mudder who gets shot in the chest and one corpse-hunting leather coat-wearing guy who gets his jollies by setting people on fire. Not that I'm judging because hey, who doesn't?

And finally, can we have a big "No Need!" for the thingie that makes peoples brains explode through their eyes and nostrils? Because seriously, Ew. That was actually more frightening than the Reavers, and they unnerved me to the point where I had to have the hall light on for a couple of nights. *shivers*