froodle | Entries tagged with edward james olmos

Oh God, you guys! I was going to write a post here about how we should all vote for Todd as our next Prime Minister, and then maybe let him eat our old government once he wins (landslide victory, running on a "wearing black leather and eating people" platform) but I just watched Lost Boys 2: the Tribe, and oh, it was beautiful beyond words! I mean, okay, I got a bit annoyed with the gratuitous titty shots, but all of those people died, so that's okay. Andandand Corey Feldman! And make sure you watch the credits and the alternate scenes and just generally revel in how completely unexpectedly WONDERFUL it is.

Don't watch the music videos, though. They are lame.

Also, if anyone wants to earn my undying love, they will write Lost Boys 2 porn. Any pairing, I don't even care, I love them all so much.

In news that involves neither vampires nor imaginary life-sucking aliens running for office, I am very displeased with the non-studliness of the actors being cast to play werewolves over the last two decades. I mean, Jack Nicholson and Hugh Jackman, I can totally understand, but James Spader? The French guy from SWAT? Josh from Dead Man on Campus? Fucking Pacey?!* Also, how is Jack Nicholson versus James Spader in any way a contest? I could kick the shit out of James Spader. Scooter the Happy Pony could kick the shit out of James Spader. So could a small bundle of twigs and your daddy. Working seperately. For the edification of future film-makers, I have compiled a list of actors who have a level of studliness adequate for playing a werewolf**. Read it, learn it, live it.

his

As you can see, there are plenty of studly actors to choose from when making your werewolf movie. So please stop casting little wussy he-bitches unless they're Shawn from the 4400 or Robert Greysmith from Zodiac. Actually, if anyone wants to do a werewolf sequel to Zodiac, replete with Paul/Robert sexin', I will sell you my first-born child.

*Uh, those last two are seperate issues, I didn't mean it as "Josh from Dead Man on Campus fucking Pacey". Cooper would cut Pacey like the little bitch that he is, were that the case.

**Where I didn't know, or just couldn't be bothered to look up, an actors name, I just listed him under a character name.

his

Aww fuck, you guys, I think I just permanantly destroyed Batman Begins for myself by watching it right after I watched Breakfast on Pluto. And for once it's completely my own fault, because I've seen both of them multiple times so I can't claim I was tricked into watching or anything. Now every time Dr Crane gases anyone, I keep seeing that scene from BoP where he imagines himself as an undercover counter-terrorist agent, complete with black PVC minidress and flashing a bright yellow bra, and he neutralizes all the bombers by spraying Chanel perfume* in their eyes, and it just destroys me.

In other news, I have decided to invent some kind of coolness scale where characters are awarded points based on the liklihood of them karate-chopping a midget. It'll look something like this:

Karate-chopping a midget: 10 coolpoints
Doing harm to a midget other than by karate-chopping it: 5 coolpoints
Not doing anything mean to a midget: 0 coolpoints
A midget karate-chops you: minus 10,000 coolpoints

I decided to test it out on a random selection and it works pretty well, as shown below:

Jack Bauer: would karate-chop a midget: 10 points.
Sweeney Todd: would cut a midget's throat and make it into pie: 5 points
Al Swearengen: as above, except replace "make it into pie" with "feed to Mister Wu's piggies": 5 points
Edward James Olmos: would shout or glare at a regular midget; only karate-chops midgets if they are Cylons: 7.5 points
Methos: doesn't know karate, but from a moral perspective, would have no problem karate-chopping a midget: 10 points, because he can always learn later.
The Dave: unable to bring himself to harm a midget: 0 points.
Giles: would karate-chop a midget, then fire-bomb its house, but only if the midget really pushed him to it: 10 points
Nathan Petrelli: no qualms about karate-chopping a midget whatsoever: 10 points
Angela Petrelli: would belittle the midget so much it karate-chopped itself: 10 points
Peter Petrelli: gets karate-chopped by the midget. Everyone laughs. Minus 10,000 points.
Agent Sands: if he still has eyes, karate-chops the midget; if not, shoots the midget after locating it by the sound of it's tiny midget feet: 10 points, because the intention is there if not the physical ability.
Moominpapa: doesn't know karate, and anyway has tiny Moomin arms unsuitable for midget-chopping. Would probably write a chapter in his Memoirs about how he karate-chopped it anyway: 5 points for inventiveness.
Mark Cohen from RENT: gets karate-chopped by the midget. Minus 10,000 points.
Idina Menzel, in anything: karate-chops that midget and makes it cry little midget tears. 10 points.
Akio Ohtori: karate-chops the midget, steals its fine midget hos, then runs the midget down in the Akiocar. 10 points.
Stringer Bell: karate-chops the midget only if economically viable. Otherwise, arranges to have it gunned down in a drive-by. 7.5 points.
Oogie Boogie: karate-chops the midget, sings a song about it: 10 points
Ben Hawkins: karate-chops a midget, spends three episodes angsting about it. 9.5 points, as he gets half a point deduction for angst.
Don Eppes: pre-The Bunk, karate-chops that midget and takes a suspension. Post-The Bunk, tries to work out his differences with the midget, then gets Lou Diamond Phillips to karate-chop it for him instead. 7.5 points.
Harvey Dent: gets karate-chopped by a midget, cries like a bitch. Ditto Two-Face, but with half as many tears. Minus 20,000 points because both personalities fail.

I call it the Froodilicus Scale of Karate-Chopped Midgets. Obviously you can't rely on it entirely - for example, Brennan would have no problem karate-chopping a midget whereas The Dave would, but clearly The Dave is clearly cooler than Brennan. But as a rough guide, it's pretty accurate.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm thinking of buying a new storage unit as the number of books, DVDs and random crap in my house has once again reached critical mass. At the moment I am torn between this and this. On the one hand, the cabinet gives me much more storage space and as it's got glass shelves, I can put my models and suchlike in there and not have to worry about dusting them. On the other hand, it's white and white wooden furniture always makes me feel like I'm trapped in a John Hughes movie circa 1984. Comments? Suggestions?

Oh, and finally, and having nothing to do with anything discussed above: MOAR ZODIAC PORN PLZ. That is all.

*For the record, given that pretty much every Chanel product smells like catpiss, I think it would be very effective as a weapon used either by or against terrorists. I know if you sprayed it on me, I'd be too busy choking and retching to even think about blowing stuff up until I'd had a shower.

So, I have fresh strawberries and Buffy on DVD (yes, I know it's not as important as not being Jake Lloyd, but it's still pretty damn important) and I actually remembered to clean the bathroom today, so I'm feeling fairly accomplished. Also, I would like to say that while the Mayor is clearly the Comedy King of Buffy villians, I Only Have Eyes For You will have me in hysterics every single time Buffy calls Angelus a bitch. And also, oh my God, is that Sol Star I see playing Sunnydale High's Janitor George? The IMDB says yes. I'm trying to imagine the circumstances in which Sol would have to sit Bullock down and explain to him that he once killed a woman while possessed by an angry highschooler from the 1950s, but I think it would just make Bullock angry and confused and then he'd have to go out and pistol-whip some hooples or insult Trixie or throw Al off a balcony, as is his wont.

Also, it bothers me to think that if Ian McShane and Edward James Olmos got into a fight, Edward James Olmos would probably win, because Ian McShane has awesome frontiersman stabbin' skills, but EJO has the power of 80s fashion HORROR and I don't think Ian McShane could withstand a full frontal assault in clashing pastels and neon. This is the sort of thing that keeps me up at night.

Heh. I saw a sign today that said "Malik Car Insurance; if we can't do it, no-one can". Hey, boy's gotta make a living somehow. It's hard, being an ancient Egyptian god in today's society.

In other news, OMG Edward James Olmos is a ninja! All these years, I thought it was the stony glare of DOOM keeping everyone in place, but really, it was the knowledge that he could rip out their spleen and leap away over the rooftops with it. I don't know if this increases or decreases my respect for him; on the one hand, being a ninja is pretty awesome, but on the other, being able to shut up anyone from a handsome Vice detective to your drunkard XO, crazy Aztec priest to Asian drug baron, just by glaring at them, is also damn cool.

And finally, it is now time for more...

( Read more... )

I hereby decree that from this point on, Miami Vice shall be known as my Big Gay Cop Fandom. Too bad, FAKE. Call me when you have a movie version starring Colin Farrell as Dee. That would be so awesome. And Edward James Olmos could totally be the Chief! If Liam Neeson wants me to fight at his side during the End of Days, he totally needs to create that movie for me.

In other news, I was going to post a big list of Escaflowne fic recs and such here, but I need to go find Miami Vice porn now, so everyone go and read Mr T versus Escaflowne instead.

I have decided that from this point on, whenever Lee Adama talks, I'm going to imagine him sounding like GIR from Invader Zim. It's the only way to control my increasing irritation at his almost unbelievable skill at getting on my nerves. I think somebody needs to replace Adama with like, movie!Denethor or Big Daddy Luthor (only as a temporary measure, of course, since it would be a crime against humanity to lose the Pure Awesomeness that is EJO!Adama), just to give Lee an example of what it's really like having an asshole for a father. Plus, it would be absolutely hilarious, next time Lee tries to beat his dad with the Stick of Zakguilt, if Adama just turned round and said he wished Lee had died instead. Absolute fucking smackdown. Man, I would love to see that.

I'm still gutted by the discovery that Rollo Weeks played Mini-Gerard in Attila. Sometimes the IMDB is a curse, I tell you.

And now, it's time for fun with memes:

List six of your favourite shows

1. Firefly
2. BSG (new)
3. Kim Possible
4. Weekenders
5. Deadwood
6. BSG (original)

( Spoilers for Serenity and the second season of Deadwood )

I seen it! I seen it! I seen the episode of the A Team with Face and the Cylon! Now I can die happy.

In other news, I have determined that the reason I don't like Lorne Green!Adama as much as Edward James Olmos!Adama (aside from the fact that EJO was in Miami Vice, and everyone who was in Miami Vice is about a million times cooler than everyone who wasn't in Miami Vice) is because Edward James Olmos!Adama actually uses Starbuck for stuff rather than having this pilot who kind of floats around when not being used as a sidekick or having adventures that result directly from their own stupidity.

It's like, that whole Count Iblis thing? And Adama and Apollo are tooling around with Operation Too Complicated To Actually Work, and Apollo ends up getting his dumb ass shot by a spooky space-pig (for something made in the seventies, that scene actually did shit me right up, though I suspect it was because it gave me Lord of the Flies flashbacks), when any sensible person would have realised that the best way to deal with a guy who can read thoughts is to send someone who has absolutely no thoughts to read whatsoever. It would be awesome! Because they'd all be there in the War Room and whatever, and it would be like:

Count Iblis: *mindread*
Adama!thoughts: *Operation Too Complicated To Actually Work*
Count Iblis: *mindread*
Apollo!thoughts: *missing pilots* :(
Count Iblis: *mindread*
Starbuck: ......
Count Iblis: *mindread*
Starbuck: ......
Count Iblis: *mindread*
Starbuck: ......
Count Iblis: ...fuck.
Stupid Fucking Robodog: Yap!
Apollo!thoughts: *hate*

And then Count Iblis would decide that Starbuck had some kind of super-advanced mental abilities ("He's not stupid, he's advanced!") and that it was too dangerous to bother tooling around on the Galactica anymore, and he would leave but totally kill Sheba first, because she's annoying, and everyone would be pleased, especially me.