...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

When Dexter first came out, I watched a couple of episodes, got thoroughly annoyed with the constant monologuing, and went back to watching Profit on DVD. After all, naked, eyeliner-wearing Adrian Pasdar versus Micheal C Hall in chinos isn't much of a contest.

Lately I've been watching a bit more, and it's almost... not terrible. I kind of like Rita, which considering I would happily have punched Julie Benz in the face every time she popped up on Angel, says a lot. I like that one police dude who wears a hat. The children are tolerable. I sort of ship Deb/Doakes, but I've read one of the books where Doakes has a super-horrible fate, so I'm not getting attached.

Also, beautiful James Remarr is in it being beautiful and playing Dexter's dead dad. He shows up and gives Dexter sound advice, like STOP TRYING TO BE FRIENDS WITH OTHER SERIAL KILLERS. Which Dexter doesn't ever seem to listen to. Right now he's friends with... dude, I don't remember his name, but he was the president on the West Wing after Bartlett. Anyway, they're little serial killing best mates and James Remarr is all like, NO DEXTER STOP TRYING TO HAVE A SERIAL KILLER BFF and Dexter is like WHATEVER JAMES REMARR YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME and now the president dude is going crazy or something, I don't know, but I guess the moral of this story is if you are a serial killer, probably you shouldn't hang out with other serial killers because it never seems to go well.


Hmm, other things... I finally started reading Ghost Story. I was totally willing to let the whole monkey-ghost thing with the lemur(e)s slide, but what really got me was the bit about being lonely in a "Byron-esque needs-a-swimming-buddy way". Since, you know, that was Shelley and all.

Also, none of these were my fault:







Sadly, there is no option for putting a little key around your pony, or dressing him in a bartender outfit. I would totally have gone there otherwise.

Okay dudes, googlebrat has come up with the awesome concept of the Anti-Wishlist. No, it's not a list of things that are shit that I do not want you to buy for me. These are beautiful things that I already own, that I think other people should also own. Because they are beautiful.

In the grand tradition of all the best memes, once you have read my Anti-Wishlist and been overwhelmed by my good taste and encyclopedic knowledge of everything that is good ever, you have to write your own Anti-Wishlist. Be it games, music, books, films, TV shows, whatever, make a list of ten things you think other people should want for Christmas, and why.

1. How To Rob A Bank
   
   Dudes, it totally offends me that more of you are not talking about the greatness of this movie. It basically starts with Nick Stahl (aka Ben Hawkins from Carnivale) ranting about bank surcharges while trapped in a bank vault, then moves to him ripping the duct-tape off the mouth of Jessica, a saucy librarian type (saucy librarians are my favourite kind of librarian, FYI) who proceeds to verbally abuse him, which prompts him to snap "Whoa there, Skippy. If I wanted more verbal abuse, I would just call some customer service centre somewhere." She mutters something behind the gag, and Ben (he will henceforth be refered to as Ben) asks sarcastically, "What was that? Was that 'Sorry for being a bitch'? 'I'll be nicer now?'" Anyway, Ben goes on to get into a snarking match via mobile phone with Balthazar from Constantine, who is there trying to rob the vault, and is cranky because Ben has ruined his plan by getting stuck in there when he ran for cover during the robbery and the door closed behind him. There's a lot of completely genius moments, but my personal favourites are the scene where Ben gets Balthazar and the hostage negotiator, Officer Degepse, on a conference call and cons Balthazar into apologising to Degepse and Degepse into accepting the apology, before being distracted by Jessica and hanging up after telling them to "talk among yourselves," and the moment when Balthazar's 'phone battery dies, prompting him to walk out of the bank, hurl his mobile at the SWAT officers surrounding him, hitting Degepse in the head, and then staring at them for a long moment before walking calmly back inside.
   
   
2. Carnivale
   
   Seriously guys, why have more of you not watched this yet? If you liked Twin Peaks, American Gothic or Eerie Indiana, you should be watching Carnivale. Beautiful Nick Stahl takes time out from screwing up bank robberies in order to play the worlds unhappiest Avatar of Light. Ben wanders around looking miserable and confused, pausing occaisonally to shag Clea Duvall and Adrienne Barbeau, pretty much making him my hero for life. Meanwhile, Clancy Brown proves his evilness by making a mean paedophile dude kill himself (what?) and totally wanting his sister, while Cynthia Ettinger and Tim DeKay have pretty much the hottest on-screen romance that I have ever seen, ever. This is basically Twin Peaks if it was on HBO and took place in a travelling circus with strippers. It's awesome, and you should all be ashamed for not loving it like I do.
   
   
3. The 4400
   
   I have pimped this in way more detail here, but this is basically Heroes if Heroes had a cast where everybody could act instead of leaving the beautiful Pasdar to struggle on alone, and the characterization, dialogue and plotting didn't totally fucking suck. In brief, a giant ball of light appears over Seattle, and from it emerges a whole mess of people who have disappeared over the last 60 years. They haven't aged a day, and some of them have come back with magical powers. A beautiful, earnest government agent dude with a penchant for being in a shower whenever an important plot point comes up investigates. There are flavours of man-hottness to suit every palette, and oh, it's quite a good show too.
   
   
4. Profit
   
   Speaking of the beautiful Pasdar... this is pretty much him wandering around naked, with messy hair and too much eyeliner, while being evil in a variety of ways and narrating about how evil he is. Oh, and sleeping with his mum. AWESOME! My favourite bits are when he persuades a woman to go back to her estranged husband, even though he knows that the dude is a total psycho who will probably kill her, because it's the only way the husband will sign a deal that means more monies for the Pasdar, and the part where he deliberately traps another character alone with the uncle who molested her when she was thirteen, and then is totally smug and gleeful about it in the voice-over. That's some cold shit, the Pasdar. And I love it.
   
   
5. Wasting Away
   
   You guys, this is simply the best zombie movie EVER. Yes, better than Dawn of the Dead. Yes, better than Shaun of the Dead. Yes, better even than if they made a movie of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and somehow were able to travel back in time and get thirty-year-old Colin Firth to star in it. The premise is that a bunch of people get infected with Zombie, except they don;t know that they're zombies and they think everyone else is all crazy and high-pitched and runs around really fast. They meet this other dude who tells them that they're super-soldiers, except it turns out he's just this zombie caretaker dude and then he goes crazy and does a dance. Wendall from Bones and the guy from Tigerland who isn't Colin Farrell star. It's marvellous. Why aren't you watching it right now? In fact, why aren't I?! Fuck this list, I'll finish it later.

Notes From This Weekend:

• Cadillac Records is fucking awesome. Also, Beyonce is totally not-fail as an actress. I wasn't even a little bit embarrassed for her at any point. Well done, Beyonce.
  
• Push is okay. It has Papa Midnite as the main baddie, and he's cool, but the main dude is like the love child of Dean Winchester and that dude who plays Dracula in Blade: Trinity. Not as hot as it sounds, guys. Also, the cast list was all, NOW WITH ADDED TOM BALDWIN! and then I watched it and Tom Baldwin was in it for like ten seconds before he died. Not cool, Push. We do not go around killing beautiful earnest Tom Baldwin.
  
• Zachary Quinto was put on this earth to torment me. They showed the trailer of the new Star Trek movie and I swear, it's like God is sitting there going, "Hey Froodle, here's a really seriously fucking hot guy for you to stare at, but the catch is, every time you see him on-screen, he's going to be playing a character that you want to kick in the nuts." Why, Zachary Quinto? Why?!
  
• There is a new Fast and Furious movie. Paul Walker was being failsome and excessively American as usual. Vin Diesel was being retardatical as usual. It was all very disgraceful.
  
• CORALINE WHY ARE YOU NOT OUT YET?
  
• Likewise, WOLVERINE MOVIE WHY ARE YOU NOT OUT YET?
  
• Mohinder, you fail at science so much. I am completely filled with distain for you. SCIENTISTS! PLEASE DO NOT INJECT YOURSELF WITH UNTESTED SHITTERY! IT NEVER ENDS WELL!
  
• I really hate Woody Allen. Honestly, I want to kick him in the nuts so badly, Zachary Quinto will probably end up playing him in the biopic. Cassandra Dreams is fucktarded beyond belief. How anyone can take Colin Farrell and Ewan McGregor and turn it into a bloated, self-important, mind-numbingly dull wankfest is beyond me.
  
• Profit is beautiful. Oh Profit. You are my only friend.
  
• The fact that there is yet another Underworld movie makes me hate God.

On a totally unrelated note, the House of Gas has arranged an hour and a half lecture on the Golden Ratio and Fibonacci sequences. At work. For the workers. Except that if you're scheduled to be on the 'phones, you don't get to go, which begs the question, who the fuck is expecting a bunch of phone-monkeys to give up their free time to go to a lecture, at work, on advanced mathematical concepts? Are we going to be fighting crime with them? Will the FBI and adorkable curly-headed mathematicians be involved? No? Fuck off then. I'm just so confused by the rational behind it - most of our retardo customers can't add VAT to a fuel bill without having a meltdown - is this something King Gas thinks is going to be useful in our day to day lives? WHAT IS GOING ON?!

Profit arrived last week. Oh my fucking God! It's like somebody sat down and thought, "Hmm, let's design a show specifically to appeal to Froodles. What do Froodles like? Nakedness, killin's, Nathan Petrelli - I HAVE IT!" Seriously dudes, this is what Mad Men would be like if Don was actually a sociopath rather than just kind of a dick. And did I mention, there is so much naked Nathan Petrelli!

Starting immediately, 2009 will be known as the Year of The Pasdar. Anyone caught not celebrating the Year of The Pasdar will be doomed to spend the next 360 days in Hell, which is a small room covered in pictures of Zefron fondling his nipples while a tape of Jade Goody talking plays on an endless loop and there's nothing you can use to take your own life and end the pain.

Of course, since he hasn't been in much besides Heroes and Profit and that one really random movie with the cowboy vampires (no, I'm not making this up), it may be necessary to Pasdarize some other shows in order to have enough entertainment to last the whole year. Suggestions so far:

• Nathan: the Vampire Slayer
  
• Battlestar Pasdarica
  
• Stargate: SG Pasdar
  
• Pasdar Atlantis
  
• Pastrek
  
• Pasdarville
  
• A Town Called Pasdar
  
• Revolutionary Girl Pasdar
  
• 30 Pasdar

On a related note, I saw the season finale of Heroes when I was home over Christmas and Sylar is such a goon! He's totally fallen into the trap of having plans that are too complicated to actually work - I'm not going to go into too many details here because I can't be bothered to look up the cut tag, but I swear he spent five minutes gloating to Mr Bennett about whatever the fuck his evil plan was. And Mr Bennet looked bored. Whatever, Sylar. I liked you better when you just ate brains and stalked Mohinder.