...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Dudes, I just got back from seeing Red Riding Hood, and oh my God, it sucked a giant donkey schlong all over the place.

The heroine was like... okay, imagine if Scarlett Johansen was in a terrible accident, languished in a coma for years so that most of her looks wasted away, then woke up with massive brain damage and thusly was convinced to star in this piece of shit. Oh, she was awful, I would say she simpered but frankly I suspect such a thing was beyond this appalling actress whose name I cannot be bothered to look up.

Gary Oldman was fucking shameful - chewing so much scenery I'm surprised there was enough of a set remaining to shoot this poor excuse for a film on. I think someone should just euthanize Gary Oldman at this point - every time he's in a movie he embarrasses humanity with his failure.

The main love interest guy was the lovechild of Edward Cullen and Joaquin Phoenix, and I totally don't mean that as a good thing. I mean he was pasty, had a cubeshaped head and a face that was totally flat when seen in profile, had a stupid froofy haircut and thinks that sneering is an appropriate substitute for being able to portray emotion.

The lame CGI wolf was totally lame - it looked like a snaggle-toothed housecat. In fact, it looked exactly like my brother's cat, Tazzy, who is not scary at all and drools when he purrs.

Daniel Jackson and Colonel Tigh were in it too - Daniel Jackson was trying to be manly and failing, and Tigh was being drunk and yelling at dudes, which in fairness he did quite well, but it's not exactly new territory for him.

There were some gingers who Gary Oldman thought were the werewolves, but OBVIOUSLY they turned out not to be because gingers do not have souls and according to Gary Oldman, you need to give up your soul to become a werewolf. See that, Gary Oldman? I'm better at finding werewolves than you just from using your own logic. What a tardbeast.

Oh, also there was some fucking stupid medieval orgy thing involving Three Little Piggy masks and basically the whole thing sucked from start to finish.

Lukas Haas was in it, and he was really very good, as much as he could be with the weight of everyone elses retardation dragging him down, but it made me sad for him because he deserved to be in some other, better film with people who could act.

I'm going to go watch Trick r Treat now and be a little bit in love with Anna Paquin. Laurie would fuck all those villagers and CGI Tazwolves up if she had the chance. You should all probably watch Trick r Treat too, then we can all be in love with Anna Paquin together.

Still on the Rock, oh no! Plus our wireless connection is down so now I have to do my porn-finding on my parents computers, inconvenient.

Wills and I just watched the Expendables - OH MY GOD that is a shit film. I had to literally beg Buzz Lighthair to lend it to us (he got it for Christmas and hasn't seen it yet) because it had Mickey Rourke in and I can only rewatch Iron Man 2 so many times before it becomes unhealthy, and OH GOD I cannot express how much it sucks!

First of all, Sylvester Stallone has had like, MONSTROUSLY UNSUCCESSFUL plastic surgery - his head is twice as big as a normal head, his eyebrows are painted on, and one of his eyes is a full inch higher than the other one. Also, the only bit of his face that still moves is the left hand side of his lower lip. Imagine if Sloth from the Goonies had had reconstructive surgery - that's what he looks like now. I swear to God, near the end, I was expecting him to just peel off his whole body to reveal Sloth's face and a Superman shirt, then he'd point at himself and go "SLOTH!" and then save the day. And that would have been about a gazillion times better than the actual movie. The best acting in the whole film is when Generic Spunky Latina managing not to totally wig out when Stallone and his Elephant Man-shaped head try to smile at her. Kudos to you, Generic Spunky Latina.

Secondly, Mickey Rourke is in it for like, two seconds. So are Bruce Willis and the Terminator, in case any of you were planning to watch it for those dudes. But they're positioned on the front cover as if they play major roles, when in fact Elephant Man Head and Jason Statham (who is so utterly blahsome in that I decline to make up an insulting nickname for him) are the main guys. UTTER FAIL. Literally, the best part of the movie was William and I deciding on all the scenes that would be improved if Mickey Rourke had been in them and what kind of epic hat he would be wearing.

Thirdly, the whole thing with Mickey Rourke (or The Rourke, as he will now be referred to) in this film was that he had these huge knives for throwin', and all the way through Wills and I were waiting for The Rourke to show up and just be like a bajillion times cooler than all of those other gimps, and right at the end one of the main evil dudes (might have been Stone Cold Steve Astin, might have been the dad from Monster Squad, I cannot remember due to excessive lamitude) is taunting Elephant Man Head by threatening Generic Spunky Latina and then this fuck-off massive knife comes bursting through his chest and Wills and I were like, "THE ROURKE!" but no, it was just Jason Statham being a fucking gimpodile like always.

In conclusion: The Expendables is ENTIRELY LAME, and I am going to watch the Losers again now and maybe read me some Iron Man 2 porn. OH THE ROURKE!

Just watched the Disappearance of Alice Creed. Should have been a warning sign when the back of the box said it was a Cinemanx and an isleofmanfilms production. Cue 96 minutes of flipper-handed retardation that makes me want to cut off my own head just so I can forget having watched it. URGH!

Okay, who here has seen Suck? Because I think you need to tell me about it. I saw the trailer and it looked kind of fun and silly and wonderful but then I go online and everyone is like RARGH I HATE SUCK IT IS RETARDED, so I need people to clarify - is it retarded like Prince of Persia and Van Helsing and SWAT, where it;s dumb but also COMPLETELY BEAUTIFUL, or retarded like Queen of the Damned, where I'm going to want to rip off my own face due to boredom and despair 40 minutes in?

Oh dudes, I am watching the Buffy movie for the first time in like, ten years (seriously, the last time I watched it I still lived at home and it was on TV) and it's so random and campy and beautiful and it's totally making me want to watch the TV series again even though I just watched all of it* like a month ago. Like when they're interviewing kids at the end and that one guy is all, "They had fangs and they were biting people and their eyes were totally dead - I think they were Young Republicans" and that part where Buffy steals the dude's bike and he's like, "Skank! You're a dyke! I'm going to tell the world!" or the fact that her friends are totally Heathers and the one guy who is still dying even after the end credits and it's so beautiful.

Also, this massive spider just ran across my floor and I was so busy giggling about the Buffy movie that I dropped a book on it before I even had a chance to freak out. Yes, it is that good!

Also I watched Interview with the Vampire today and oh my God, how much is the making of Claudia like, the vampire equivilent of deliberately getting knocked up in order to trap a dude into a relationship? She's like a three foot high walking piece of emotional blackmail. Andandand that bit where she tells Louis that she wants to leave and he's all whiny and like, "No that will never happen MY LIFE IS MISERY AND DESPAIR!" and she makes this awesome "get over yourself" face that makes me laugh and which is made even funnier by the fact that she's like seven years old, and that bit where she tells Lestat she has a present for him and he's all, "Then I hope it's a hot babe with boobies which you will never have!" and I'm like OH TOTAL BURN because nothing is worse than the "you'll never be a wo/man!" burn (see also: Kenny from Highlander or Peter Pan in that awesome movie where Jason Isaacs was Hook).

ALSO! Snithy, you should totally have let me show you Bully this weekend - it had male strippers, but they were young and sleek and, if not actually attractive, at least not eye-gougingly hideous and Clivelike. Also, naked Nick Stahl! Being naked and totally mean and punching people for no good reason! Nick Stahl is surely one of the most under-rated beautiful men of our time.

Then again, Bully was actually good so you probably would have had an allergic reaction to it seeing as you only like things that suck in the not-good way, Mrs "Carnivale and OUATIM and the 4400 are crap oh wait let me watch two seasons of the Lair and give us both brain damage!"

Man, you know that fuckwad who created Kidulthood, and all those other even bigger fuckwads who went on about how great it was, when in fact it was a shitty movie about a bunch of dumbass chavs doing dumbass chav things and not getting sterilized and/or shot down like rabid dogs which is really what needed to happen, both in the film and in real life? It would be so great if Larry Clark could give those people lessons in how to make movies about young people that are dark and true and also don't totally fucking suck.

*And by "all of it", what I actually mean is "the first three seasons because I try to pretend everything after Graduation Day didn't happen."

You know, I talk a lot on here about people being the poor man's version of other people, but I don't always mean it as a bad thing. Like, okay, Stellan Skarsgård is totally the poor man's version of Russell Crowe, but what that actually means is that he has traits in common with Russell Crowe, and that's a good thing. It's not as good as actually being Russell Crowe, but it still makes you better than people who aren't Russell Crowe-like at all. Or like how Colby is the poor man's version of Seeley Booth - all that means is that he will eventually evolve into Seeley Booth.* A few more years, a better haircut, and maybe some hugging of puppies and Boothdom is totally achievable.

But then you get these really tragic cases, where someone is trying to be the poor man's version of some other, more awesome person, and they fail and wind up becoming the poor man's version of someone far more losery than their intended idol. Case in point: Angus Sutherland. I just feel so bad for him, because he's trying so hard to be Keifer Sutherland in the original Lost Boys, and instead of being David Mark II, he ends up being Stuart Townsend in Queen of the Damned.

And before anyone gets on my case, yes, I loved the Lost Boys 2, and yes, I do hate Queen of the Damned with all the considerable hate in my soul, but that's not the point of this post. The point is that while Keifer Sutherland was good at being a badass vampire and exchanging long homoerotically-charged looks with Jason Patrick, Angus Sutherland is really only good for the latter. Also, and this is not really his fault but it should be mentioned, Tad Hilgenbrink as Chris Emerson is nothing like as pretty as Jason Patrick as Micheal Emerson.

Of course, if any of you wanted to rush off and find me lots of Shane/Chris porn, I would not be adverse to reading it. In the spirit of scientific enquiry, of course.

I was going to make a list here of things I love and things I hate about the fourth season of Numb3rs, but I don't feel like it any more, so I will just say that we need more falling in water from Colby and less wearing of horrible ties from Charlie.


And now, some random quiz things:

You Are Candy Corn

Your Halloween personality is whimsical, colorful, and creative. You see Halloween as a time to get your creative juices flowing. Each year, Halloween can't start soon enough for you. You tend to go all out for Halloween. You decorate like crazy and always dress up.

What Halloween Treat Are You?

You Are a Werewolf

You are moody and easily provoked. You are highly loyal and protective of those you love. While you can be intense at times, you are generally a laid back person. But if a fight comes your way, you will fight 'til the death if necessary. You seem normal to most people. No one understands how different you can be. It's like a switch flips for you sometimes - and then you're a completely different creature.

Are You a Vampire or a Werewolf?

What Your Cute Monster Says About You

You're the type of person who stands out in a crowd, even when you're trying to blend in. You are honest in your character and appearance. You don't pretend to be someone else. Your inner demon is sorrow. You tend to get depressed easily. People think you're cute because you're rebellious. Your uniqueness is charming.

The Cute Monster Test

*Except for the shooting clowns bit, as we can all agree that Don is far more likely to shoot a clown than anyone else on Numb3rs.

Dudes. Dudes! I just got back from seeing incandescens, where there was cake and the final episodes of Avatar and an awesome musical version of the Hunchback of Notre Dame and a really bizarre Teen Titans two-parter that involved the bastard lovechild of Winston Churchill and Stephen Hawkings (hahah, I know I made at least two of you die a little inside just from reading that) and, and!

A musical version of Jekyll and Hyde starring David Hasselhoff!

I haven't watched all of it yet, but you guys, it's so utterly wrongsick I cannot express it with mere mouthwords. The Hoff gurns and sings atrociously and gropes random corpses and wears a waistcoat that is made of utter fail. I am saving the rest of it for next weekend, when HAG will be over and we can combine forces to give it the scorn-filled adulation it deserves, but in the meantime, I leave you with this thought:

I would still rather watch that than have to sit through How To Lose Friends And Alienate People again.

That's right, Simon Pegg. You now rank lower than the Hoff on my list of human beings. I hope you're proud.

Urgh. I just got back from seeing How To Lose Friends And Alienate People, and oh my God, it was fucking awful. I swear, I actually have terminal cancer as a result of sitting through that crap. What was even worse was that they kept on jibbering about La Dolce Vita and reminding me of Meghan from the 4400, and then all I could think of was how much better my night would be if I was in fact watching the 4400 instead of this utter tripe. Or even if they just randomly start importing characters from the 4400 into the movie until eventually they took over and it became 4400: the Movie. Like, first Kevin would appear and be caustic and cutting on a level Simon Pegg's fucking retarded character could only dream of, and make everyone cry like little bitches. Then Rivertess would cross over and start ordering people to kill themselves. Shawn would try to heal them, but Jordan would convince him that they deserve to die for the shame they have brought upon the world. Diana and Tom would stand in the background looking earnest and torn. Finally, the movie ends with Jordan and his magnificent beard gloriously rendered on the big screen. FIN!

Anyway, my hot chocolate is now ready, so I'm going to go drink it and watch 4400 and allow the Jordanbeard to console my grief at having wasted a perfectly servicable evening. Oh Jordanbeard. You are like a comfort blanket made from pure manipulative beautifulness.