...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

Misty and grey today. Will take advantage of the not-very-nice weather and go sort out my season pass for the steam train (yes, we have buses on the Rock, but they are slow, stinky and full of filthy flipperhanded monstrosities, much like buses in England, so if I want to go anywhere and it doesn't matter what time I arrive, I take the steam train instead) then perhaps home to light the fire in the playroom and finish up Summer Knight. Or maybe rewatch Constantine, who knows?

Good thing about the gloomy weather is that I have an excuse to wear my Frog Brothers t-shirt, which a) proclaims my greatness to the world at large for having such taste and b) hides my embarrassingly stripey sunburn from said world.

Oh my God, I hate buses. Because I was out of town last week, I didn't realise they were striking in Leeds yesterday so like a total plank I waited in the RAIN and the COLD and the DARK and then I had to walk into town where MORE WAITING OCCURED and I was an hour and a quarter late and my manager had the nerve to give me attitude, like I really fucking planned to stand outside that long and maybe get frostbitten toes. And now I owe James cake and/or a monkey holding a puppy for giving me a lift home, and that just WOUNDS MY PRIDE!

But, in gooder news, I now own the second season of new Doctor Who (Genevieve, I blame you for encouraging me to gaze in wonderment at David "way better at being Casanova than Heath Ledger, that knave" Tennent) and HAH! Fiyero is the Prime Minister's aide. It is totally awesome and hilarious and wrongsick all at once, because his voice is MADE OF POSHNESS and it's almost a parody of poshness and then he has to say "rock!" in that voice and it makes me laugh. Although, the Doctor was totally whingy when the Prime Minister blew up those stupid aliens, like slave-trading mind-trick-playing aliens are such a loss to the world. And he's like, waahh, they were leaving, waah, and she's like, yeah, to RETURN WITH MORE ALIEN HOMIES AND ENSLAVE US ALL and the Doctor gets all on his high horse about how evil humanity is, like we didn't already know that we're capable of some of the scuzziest actions in the universe. I mean, I know that, and I haven't been around for squillions of years. Also, I would have done exactly the same thing, only burnier and more painful and, if at all possible, to their children. Because nobody wants a blood feud, am I right? Yeah, I should be the Prime Minister. I'm going to make that my platform when I run for office: A VOTE FOR FROODLE IS A VOTE FOR DEAD ALIEN BABIES! Who's with me?

Also, I have vowed to cut my moaning about Temperance Brennan by at least 20%, based purely on the fact that she makes fun of short people. And encourages My Man Dave to do the same. There should be more mocking of people with genetic conditions on shows that are not House. MOCK FOR JESUS!

Anyway, I am running out of time here and there are potatoes that need eating at home, so I shall just leave you with my thoughts on Happy Feet:- it wasn't as good as the trailer made it look, Robin Williams ruins everything and Hugh Jackman is much more believable as an Elvis-penguin than he is as a posh rat from London. I would marry Memphis. YES EVEN THOUGH HE IS A PENGUIN! Except, of course, I would never cheat on Idina.

God! Today was a stupid day. The bus was late and the entire system crashed at work and we ended up having to write out everything by hand, and my God, what part of "the system is down" gives people problems? I can't look you up on the fucking computer because. It. Is. Down. It's not my fault you're too fucking retarded to know the name of the person who manages your account, and the last time I checked, my ID card said Customer Service Advisor, not Babysitter For The Mentally Deficient.

On a more upbeat note, I'm watching the Wire and oh my God, Idris Elba is Teh Hotness. And he can do an American accent and have it be all non-cringeworthy and he's all evil with his glasses and pinstripe suit and he draws little cartoons and OH MY GOD HE MUST PLAY LOUIS OR I WILL KILL YOUNGLINGS AND FALL IN LAVA! You know, if they ever made a Charlie Parker movie. Which they probably shouldn't because often it is not a good thing when books of awesomeness become movies of... less-than-awesomeness.

On the subject of books that may or may not become movies, does anyone remember when Inkheart was published here and the cover was all, "Soon to be a major motion picture!"? Well, that was a couple of years ago and I do not see any motion pictures, major or otherwise. I did, however, catch the pitiful one-day-only screening of the Thief Lord; I'm a big believer in the idea that even a mediocre film looks better on the big screen, and being already familiar with the movie itself gave me a chance to really enjoy some of the beautiful scenery. And perve on Rollo Weeks, of course.

Back in Leeds after five days on the Rock of Smell. Thlayli and Erikplant both held up well in my absense, although Thlayli has that rumbled look that makes me suspect Goings On have been, uh, going on. Also his pen was completely trashed. I suspect he's been having a houseparty with Neighbour Dan's pirahna while I was gone.

Journey absolute nightmare - loud, drunken Scousers on the plane, (seriously, if I'm sitting four rows back and right next to the engine, and I can still hear every word you say, you are Talking Too Bloody Loud) shrieking snotgoblins accompanied by even shriekier velour-clad Breeders at the station, noisy Mobile Phone Rems on the train, and Burbury-clad Chavs at the taxi point.

On plus side, did get the opportunity to raid the bookshelves in Buzz's room and liberate some of my older Discworld books, as well as soon that have obviously been given to Johnny as gifts, since they've never been read. Stole those too. May have teeny tiny crush on Otto from "The Truth" as a result. Speaking of Discworld-verse crushes, am trying to remember the first time the Witches turned Greebo into a human, but am drawing a blank. Help would be appreciated. Aah, Human Greebo. How we lust after you.

Also, Agnes > Magrat. I dare you to disagree.

Dear members of the general public;

Yes, I know my hair is long. I know this because I am the one whose head it grows from. It is doubtful that, over the last several years, I have somehow failed to notice the four feet of brownie-blonde stuff sprouting from my scalp. Therefore, you do not need to point it out to me.

Yes, it is a lovely colour. Yes, it is thick, and shiny, and it does indeed have a wonderful texture. I am well aware that my hair is quite fabulous - that is in fact, part of the reason I wear it so long. I am also well aware that, after years of perms and bleaching and the use of enough hairspray to create a not inconsiderable hole in the ozone layer, your hair is nowhere near as fabulous as mine. That is why I tolerate your comments with a pained smile, and do not beat you over the head with a hardbacked copy of Lord of the Rings every time you make these inane comments.

However, touching my hair is absolutely, without a doubt, 100% Not Okay. Stroking it as though it were a friendly housecat is Damn Creepy, and YANKING ON IT hard enough to make my fucking eyes water is likely to earn you a fork in the eye, had I a fork on my person at the time.

Do Not Pull My Hair.

Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with you people? Don't you have parents? What in the world would make you think touching a complete stranger like that is okay?

I bet you touch pregnant women's stomaches in supermarkets, too.

On a related note, yes, that is a pet carrier in my hand. You can tell from the fact that it has "Pet Voyager 100" emblazoned on the side. And yes, at this moment, it contains one grey rabbit, of the OMGSOCUTE variety. I am not denying the cuteness of my rabbit. He was, after all, picked specifically for the maximization of cute-rabbitness in my vicinity.

However, please, please use some common sense. What is the number one reason someone would have a rabbit, in a pet carrier, on public transport in the middle of the afternoon?

If you need a hint, observe the sticker on the top of the pet carrier.

"Beechwood Vetinary Group".

That's right folks, he's just been to see the vet.

And what is the mental and emotional state of animals who have just been to see the vet? Come on, think now.

DINGDINGDING!

That's right. Frightened, in pain, and liable to bite when touched.

So don't let your horrible children stick their grubby, wormlike fingers through the wires in the door.

And even more important, Don't Do It Yourselves. He Will Take Your Finger Off.

Jesus Fucking Christ.

Touch Not What Does Not Belong To You.

How hard is that to remember?

No love,

Froodle (who almost wishes she HAD let him bite your filthy carpet-ape, but was worried about upsetting his delicate rabbit tummy)

Woo! Am finally back in Leeds after journey of hellacious proportions. My body still thinks it's on a boat and is rocking back and forth gently, making me look like some kind of traumatised sobbing thing. Once it stops, I am off to eat delicious Chinese food (delivered to my door, in your face inbred inhabitants of Todd!) and perhaps watch the first season of Gargoyles which my delicious brother gave me for Christmas.

Oh Goliath, you so studly.

Before I forget, today is the day of the Brothers Mir (that's Boromir and Faramir for the Americans among you).

Am back in the Isle of Man for a week at present, so expect sporadic updates. Hex and Mad will keep my loyal fans updated on the Hexmas front.

Managed to not only pass my exams but get a 2.1 in the process, thus proving beyond doubt that a retarded monkey can get a law degree, providing it can express itself in long-winded and boring ways. Which explains a lot about the English judiciary, actually.

Me, I'm just relieved that I don't have to a) resit or b) get a demonic brain implant from an evil law firm.

Would like to state for the record that I hate football fans, 'bisexual Wiccans', homeless people, old people, people who use mobile phones on public transport, people who smell bad, small children, people who think it's a good idea to bring an infant on a fucking aeroplane and taxis that don't show up when they should.

Also scallies, teen mothers and people on the dole, but I think I covered that with 'football fans'.

-Froodle (the contentious)