...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

You know what's awesome? The Thief Lord. I just wanted to come on and say that because I feel people need to be writing me some Scipio/Prosper porn right about now.

Stardust is also quite awesome. You don't need to write me porn for that, though if you wanted to, I guess it would be okay.

Dudes, I just saw the last episode of the Tribe and really, how fucking stupid do you have to be not to realise that an AI with the combined personalities of a dead sociopath and a live megalomaniac is going to wind up going SkyNet all over the place? What an idiot!

Man, I so want a Zoot AI of my own now. Especially if I could put it on the PCs at work and have it smile creepily every time someone tried to ask me an inane question. Which would actually be all the time. Maybe if someone asked me a non-retarded question, he'd Vogue.

And now, meme answers!

Scheherezhad wanted to know my top five Eerie moments:

1: The scene in the Hole in the Head Gang where Simon and Mars see the fake ghost head for the first time, and Mars is like ARRRRRGGGHHHH-*takes picture*-AARRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
2: The scene in Scariest Home Movies where Harley steps on the female leads' dress and it rips and you see her knickers and then he turns and waggles his eyebrows suggestively at the audience - is there anything funnier than a pervy six year old?
3: The scene in Who's Who where Simon tells Sarah Sue-Bob that she should try telling her family how she feels, and Sarah Sue-Bob says that she hopes "this isn't some New Age peaceful thing that will backfire on me," and then it does!
4: Dash and Mars' almost-kiss in the alley behind the Loyal Order of Corn. Yes it was, shut the fuck up.
5: The Foreverware Wave.

Chibimarchy wanted to know my top five canon or fanom pairings from any fandom:

Canon pairings:
1: Buffy and Angel (BtVS/Angel) I swear, I will be like sixty and watching it on the DVD player surgically grafted onto my face as I zoom around the Moon Station with my personal jetpack, and I will still be crying over that scene at the end of season three where he shows up to take her to the prom. And then I'll probably crash into a satellite because I can't see where I'm going through the tears.
2: Van and Hitomi (Escaflowne) Even though in the end Hitomi chose indoor plumbing and electricty over young love and an early death from cholera due to Fanelia's appalling lack of infrastructure, I got a bit choked up during that scene where she decides to go back to him and as she's running on the track, he appears on the Escaflowne in a pillar of light and he's about to speak and she just throws herself into his arms. Having said that, I also quite liked the scene in Operation: Golden Rule of Love where he was trying to tell her how he felt and he ended up saying he wanted her powers instead and she bitchslapped him.
3: Rita Sue and Jonesy (Carnivale) That first time, where she takes off his brace, was so bitter-sweet and beautiful, and afterwards they were so hot and heavy together, the way they couldn't keep their hands off each other - Rita Sue is so jaded and worldly when it comes to sex and love and marriage, so having her fall for Jonesy that hard made it all the more meaningful. And of course all the more heartbreaking when he broke it off.
4: Jack and Ellie (the Tribe) I just think they're adorable together - like when he renames their newspaper the Amulet and she says he's beautiful, or the conversation with the walkie-talkies where neither of them want to hang up - and that scene where you find out that it's Ellie sending Ebony all the death threats, because she blames her forJack being taken, and Ebony gets her trademark sass on and Ellie just lunges for her and Ebony's like OMGWTF and even Techno Ranger almost manages an expression.
5: Lucas and Selina (American Gothic) Because... because they're Lucas and Selina, come on, like I even have to explain that!

Fanon pairings:
1: Jordan/Shawn (4400) Because the debauching of underage boys by morally ambiguous, totally hot, beard-having Messiah figures is awesome.
2: Bray/Lex (the Tribe) Because alpha-male power struggles are also awesome, especially if one party habitually wears a lot of leather and eyeliner, and especially-specially if it tends to devolve into homoerotic wrestling matches.
3: Scipio/Prosper (the Thief Lord) Because underage boylove in Venice? Yes, that too is awesome.
4: Mars/Dash (Eerie Indiana) As above, but in Indiana.
5: Colby/Charlie (Numb3rs) Because... dude, look at them! That's why!

itsjustc wanted to know my top five Tribe characters:

1: Jack
2: Lex
3: KC
4: Ebony
5: Bray

So, before I start my traditional "it's payday so get thyself to ye olde internet cafe and pay off your credit card bill while swearing never to overindulge in spendthriftery ever again as long as you live, wench" missive, I would like to point out that if you don't read Philip Reeve's Larklight right away, you will burst into flames from lack of PURE AWESOME. Space! Space giant spiders! Space Queen Victoria! Space pirates! Space corsets! Space houses in space! It's full of greatness and space. It even has drawings. Truly, it could not be a better book even if it had Johnny Depp, and surely there can be no higher praise than that.

Christmas, while lacking in the third season of Miami Vice, was nonetheless a pleasent affair of not being at work, eating mince pies and watching such festive themed delights as the Thief Lord, (it has snow!) Doctor Who, (the Christmas Invasion, so it totally counts, and Fiyero is so blatently gay it is unbelievable) that episode of Bones where they all get locked in the lab on Christmas Eve and Dave gets high on antibiotics* and Hodgins is revealed to have a suprisingly good body for a ginger person... and then I got bored of Christmas and watched That 70s Show and Eerie, Indiana instead. And Fitzcairn was in That 70s Show, and I think it's a sign that God wants me to buy Highlander again. So it was fun, and quiet, and generally very joyous.

But then! Oh Boxing Day, the drama of it all. See, I had to work, but none of the buses were running. So I arranged to get a lift with one of the girls I work with, and I'm standing on a street corner at eight in the morning, freezing my ass off, when I am approached by a very large, very black, very heavily-accented man who asks me if I'm okay. So I say that yes, I'm fine, I'm just waiting for someone. So he asks if I'm working, and I reply that I am. And then he asks if I have a place we can go, apparently under the impression that ladies of the night work at eight in the morning on Boxing Day. No, no, say I, I didn't mean that sort of working. I'm waiting for a lift, for my job which is in an office. So he walks off some distance down the street, and I try to stop my knees from shaking and use my psychic powers to get Jayni out of bed. Alas, to no avail. Sleazy McUseswhores returns, and asks if he can have my number. I say that's not a good idea, and that I have a boyfriend. Sleazy replies that he could make me happy (because every woman wants a guy who uses prostitutes and assume that any unaccompanied female out in public must be on the game) and that I have beautiful long hair. I do that quick, panicky, "Oh God help me I'm going to be found raped and strangled in a ditch in Beeston and I know I said I'd do anything to get out of work but not this please Jayni hurry the fuck up!" equivilent of a smile, and Sleazy continues that perhaps I need a knight in shining armour to cut my hair for me, and at that point I fake a text message, babble an excuse and run all the way back to my house.

And then Jayni didn't show up at all, so I had to get a lift with another girl who didn't start until ten, and then I had to walk home from Horsforth and I got lost and ended up in about twenty million industrial estates, and then Holbeck, but eventually I got back so it was okay. And nobody else thought I was a hooker.

Anyway, that was pretty much the stand-out moment since I last wrote, and now I must go home and immerse myself in Torchwood, having done the traditional pay-day shopping trip and coffee with Hot Allocator Girl (whose number I have finally got, go me!) and perhaps do some Hoovering or similar domestic tasks. Although, probably not.

*And while we are on the subject of Dave, Snithy, I rewatched that scene with him and Goodman and their pillows were not touching so you just keep your filthification to yourself, thank you. Dave/Goodman is wrong. Because, the squints are like a super-awesome family in which Goodman is the Daddy and thus Dave/Goodman is incestuous and cross-generational and generally too horrible to contemplate.

BRAY LIVES! At least, he lived at some point in the recent past, according to Ickle KC, who is no longer Ickle and is in fact quite burly and hunksome. So that was a little spark of joy with which to end the last season of the Tribe.

In other news, work is horrible and one day soon I will kill everyone there. With fire! And monkeys! And fire-breathing monkeys made of fire! Or possibly I will just hand in my notice and run away to Spain or something. And send them a mocking postcard that then BURSTS INTO FLAMES AND BURNS THEM ALL TO DEATH.

On a lighter note, the German market is in town now, and I went on the carosel and it was Awesome! Although I did not get either younger or older, which makes me suspect that Cornelia Funke is telling porky-pies about the supposed magical quality of roundabouts. For shame, Cornelia Funke! Also, I am rereading the Aubrey-Maturin books and they are the most funniest thing ever and I can't believe I forgot how glee-inducing they could be.

Anyway, that's all the news I have for you this week; my dad came over on Sunday but it was boring so I shall not bore you with it, and I have decided to give American Gothic another chance and just TOTALLY IGNORE DOCTOR BILLY because Lucas's hair is so shiny and pretty and must be watched. Also Hyde was in it! And Lucas totally kicked his ass which means Lucas is cooler than Hyde, oh my God! In fact, I think I shall go buy mince pies and then go home and watch it Right Now. So good day to you, sirs!

Mary St Matthew, did I not warn you that such a thing was inevitable? Brokeback Thief Lord.

God! Today was a stupid day. The bus was late and the entire system crashed at work and we ended up having to write out everything by hand, and my God, what part of "the system is down" gives people problems? I can't look you up on the fucking computer because. It. Is. Down. It's not my fault you're too fucking retarded to know the name of the person who manages your account, and the last time I checked, my ID card said Customer Service Advisor, not Babysitter For The Mentally Deficient.

On a more upbeat note, I'm watching the Wire and oh my God, Idris Elba is Teh Hotness. And he can do an American accent and have it be all non-cringeworthy and he's all evil with his glasses and pinstripe suit and he draws little cartoons and OH MY GOD HE MUST PLAY LOUIS OR I WILL KILL YOUNGLINGS AND FALL IN LAVA! You know, if they ever made a Charlie Parker movie. Which they probably shouldn't because often it is not a good thing when books of awesomeness become movies of... less-than-awesomeness.

On the subject of books that may or may not become movies, does anyone remember when Inkheart was published here and the cover was all, "Soon to be a major motion picture!"? Well, that was a couple of years ago and I do not see any motion pictures, major or otherwise. I did, however, catch the pitiful one-day-only screening of the Thief Lord; I'm a big believer in the idea that even a mediocre film looks better on the big screen, and being already familiar with the movie itself gave me a chance to really enjoy some of the beautiful scenery. And perve on Rollo Weeks, of course.

I have come to the conclusion that Big Wolf on Campus could not be any gayer if it tried. There are films containing actual gay sex that are less gay than this show. Also, that episode with Tommy's evil alter-ego, where he's watching Jerry Springer or whatever with Dean, and he laughs at one of the guests and says "Loser! No wonder your birth mother didn't want you"?

I wish I knew someone who was adopted just so I could say that to them.

In other news, it needs to hurry up and be May 25 already. I need me some fine Wolveriney goodness. Also the Thief Lord and Miami Vice need to come out really soon and shut up Helen Colin Farrell is not anybody's bitch!

Hahahaaaah, Liam Neeson loves me, yes he does. Behold! Sexy, sexy Lietro just for me! I am the most awesome person in the world EVAR!

...okay, not really, I accidently clicked the word "Lietro" in my interests list thinking it was a community and it brought that up. But still, gift from God!

In other news, I think there may be some kind of secret rule that you have to cross Brokeback Mountain with absolutely every other fandom in the world. At least the ones with a slash contingent. See, for example, the latest additions to Kenobi Explains. Although I seriously will cry if anyone turns Scip into a Big Gay Cowboy.

Oh, and you know who sucks? The Duke of Freid. "Yes, I think I'll just stupidly kill myself and leave the faate of my kingdom in the hands of my five-year-old son, who, while very cute, is a) five years old and b) related to Allen and therefore probably retarded, and in any case is totally not capable of standing up to Folken's sneaky and sinister ways." I did, however, have hysterics when he's on the battlefield all like, "Rargh, you're rubbish Zaibach! I challenge you to come and fight me!" and the Zaibach archers are like, *ZING* and he's all like, *dies*. And his bright yellow 'melef, what the hell was that about? That's so much worse than Dilandau and his Big Gay Alseides of DOOM. And Allen being all like, "No Van, you can't fight Dilandau, I have to fight him!" and Van's all, "Allen, you have no arms! Back the fuck down, bitch!" and Allen's like, *Hmph, I shall toss my hair in a disgruntled yet manly fashion!" and Van's like, "Whatever." But I don't care because OMG DRYDEN! So awesome!

Aww man, Rollo Weeks was in the Little Vampire. Now I really am going to kill myself. Or maybe go back in time and stop him from starring in shitty movies that I watched because I had a crush on various leading actors (Richard E. Grant, you freaks, not that stupid little brat from Jerry Maguire). But then it would be like that episode of the Simpsons where Homer keeps going back in time and changing the course of history in unexpected and disturbing ways, and when I got back to 2006, Scipio would be played by Daniel Radcliffe and Jake Lloyd would be playing Bo, and I'd be like, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and Hayden Christensen would cry because everyone gets to say that line except him. You want some ointment for that burn, Hayden Christensen?

In other news, whenever I hear that Darren Hayes song, "Creeping Up On You", it totally reminds me of Pietro and Sp-ke from X-Men: Evolution. I'm not sure when Sp-ke made the transition from "annoying X Tard with lame powers, stupid hair and stupider name" to "stalker", but there you go. Man, I love that show. I wish the WB had released all of it on DVD - I want to see Lance randomly bitchslapping Pietro with an armchair and Pyro watching that video of Magneto bite it over and over while giggling psychotically and that old guy glomping Toad in the subway again. Sigh. I bet it'll be like Gargoyles or EI and it'll get released when I'm like, forty, and I'll be all, "I remember when this first aired" and my many cats will be like, "Whatever. Feed us tuna now plzkthx."

Thief Lord porn! With Princess Bride references, no less. Liam Neeson loves me, yes he does.

Watched Master & Commander this evening; I'd forgotten how much I adore that film, even if it is basically Tom Pullings' wet dream. The jokes, my God, the appalling yet hysterically funny jokes. Stephen being a pissy little bitch. Ickle Midshipman Blakeney, aww! The sealion that says "Argh!" Jack slagging off whalers in front of the head whaler dude. Poor, sad Tom and his unrequited Jacklove. Killick's cantankerous mutterings. Random appearence by a hobbit. And did I mention, the jokes? I thought I was going to die during that last scene; poor Stephen is handling his disappointment remarkably well for someone who is, as previously mentioned, a pissy little bitch, and Jack has to go and make that remark about flightless birds not going anywhere - it's hil-fucking-hairy-house, as we used to say back in college,