...way out on the corner of fucked up and evil...

There are not, on the whole, many things that would make me wish I lived in America. In fact, apart from the International House of Pancakes (why don't we have those over here? Seriously, why? How many fucking Starbucks does one city need, and not a single place to get delicious pancakes?) the only thing I really envy is the effort they put into Halloween. Like, I'm sat here watching Jericho, and bear in mind these people have just survived a nuclear Apocalypse, not to mention the fact that they live in Kansas so their lives must be shitty anyway, what with the hurricanes and Superman being such a dick and all, but when Halloween rolls around, the decorations go up, the costumes go on and the candy comes out. Over here the only acknowledgement we get is like, a selection of three shitty plastic masks at your local 24-hour Spar, and that's only if it's a big Spar.

Seriously, England. Learn.

Man, I'm dumb. I have allowed myself to get sucked into the madness that is CreepyPasta and now I am so creeped out that I can't sleep or even get off this sofa in case something reaches out from underneath and grabs my ankle (totally possible, given my lack of housekeeping-fu). I just got out of the shower and literally, I was standing there under the spray thinking, "Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes, oh God, shampoo in my eyes, don't close them, don't close- oh God the pain, oh it burns, no, keep them open, don't close, don't close!" for the full twenty minutes. Then I had a panic attack when the bathroom door got stuck because I thought there might be a clown hiding behind it waiting to get me, and then the stupid fucking energy efficient bulbs in the lounge took ages to come on and it was pitch black and now I am made entirely from irrational, stupidity-induced fear. In conclusion: I suck, and should never be allowed on the Intarwebs.

On a sort of but not really related note, why is the 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo not out on DVD, when that piece of shit new thing where they all have iPhones and other such bullshittery can be purchased in its' entirety? Fuck you, Hanna Barbera, you are ruining Vincent Price Day before it even starts. Dicks.

Anyway, I need something very distracting and utterly devoid of creepiness to calm me down, so I'm going to raid my stash of Emergency Porn for some Jonah/Jake Green slash that I have saved for exactly this kind of situation, and bid you goodnight.

Why is there not more Nurse!Joker porn? No, seriously. Why? If you're reading this and you haven't written any yet, you should be ashamed. It makes me doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion. Oh, and no Harvey, plzxthx. His stupid zombie-face annoys me.

On a totally different note, I feel it is necessary to state how much I love that episode of Miracles with Sherwood. I love it to the power of one of those sideways figures-of-eight. That scene where he's spinning the wheelchair around in a circle like a disco-dancin' Dalek, and he's going "doo-dee-doo-doo" in his Steven Hawkins machine-voice and the words are also appearing on his computer screen? So awesome, you guys. And also when Skeet tries to stop him from blocking the door and he's like, "Oh, nice, shove a cripple!"

I liked that bit in the Civil War episode where they're in the woods and Skeet's all, "We is lost," and Alva's like, "No, the trees are moving FROM SPOOKINESS!" and Skeet's like, *annoyed face*. Unlike his "I am sad/take me now" face, his "annoyed" face is always appropriate and unambiguous. I bet Alva does that all the time - like, they're trying to find an exit on the highway and they get lost and Alva's like, "Supernatural activities are causing the roads to move around!" and Skeet's like, *annoyed face* and Alva's like, "Skeet? Why are you putting on that Ghostface ma- argh oh no I am stabbed!"

I have never managed to stay awake during Hand of God, though. I don't know what it is, as it's pretty exciting with the murdering and all, but about the time Russ's firebug sidekick from Numb3rs hits Skeet with the iron, I doze off. I think the Skeet/Alva angst just disturbs me so much that my brain shuts down in self-defence.

Okay, first of all? FUCK YOU THE EMMYS! Seriously, fuck you right in your stupid Wire-ignoring faces. HOW COULD YOU VOTE FOR HOUSE OVER THE BUNK?! That shit is just not on. You all suck.

On a totally different note, I have finally figured out what it is that bothers me about... err... Agent-That-Is-Not-Krycek from Once a Thief. Even apart from the fact that he takes up precious camera time with his non-Krycek face, which is in itself a crime, he's also the useless boyfriend from the Opposite of Sex! Oh, you fail, Agent-That-Is-Not-Krycek. No wonder Li Ann told everyone you were dead. I'd be ashamed to be seen in public with you too.

Also, I hate Sean Austin so much I cannot even describe it. He makes my skin crawl with loathing every time I see his stupid face. Urgh. I shall hold him personally responsible for Skeet Ulrich's beard debacle in Into The West.

Christian Kane has no-one but himself to blame those pigtails on, though. Idiot.

So, FX have just announced that the sixth season of Nip/Tuck will be the last. I'm pretty much in favour of this, not because I have any issues with the show itself, but simply because there are so many shows that outstay their welcome and then what once was beautiful and pure becomes this evil-smelling swamp of ridiculous plots and shitty inconsistant characterization and dialogue so bad you want to gouge out your eyes from the sheer horror of it all.

Yeah, I still have issues relating to those last few seasons of Buffy.

But seriously, I think there should be some sort of law that if you want to extend your show beyond three seasons, you have to prove it won't suck beyond all measure before you're allowed to do it. Like, I'm sad that Deadwood is no more, but nothing like as sad as I would have been if it had degenerated into pointless crap involving mysically appearing kid sisters and Al becoming some whiny tardface with his stupid fake soul and lovebots and fucking annoying high school nerds gone Darkside...

Ahem. I'm sorry, I really will shut up about Buffy now.

But anyway, with Nip/Tuck going off the air, and what is most likely the end of my love affair with Bones, and this season of the Wire being the last (like Deadwood, an example of an awesome show that has the foresight to bow out gracefully and with lots of fake serial killings) it means I'm pretty much left with Numb3rs to fall back on. And BSG, of course, but that's not really light after-work viewing, and frankly not homoerotic at all.

And although The Bunk is of course awesome, I do not approve of how much more laid back Don is since starting therapy. I missed it the first time, as I was busy being relieved over the whole "Colby is not a filthy Communist spy" thing, but Don has not pistol-whipped anyone, hurled a suspect around an interrogation room or allowed Lou Diamond Phillips to torture people at all this season. I really do not approve. Bring back the old Don, who shouted at everyone and then shot a bunch of guys and looked serious! Charlie is adorable and Colby is burly and Larry is awesome, but seriously, I require more manly violence! Somebody recommend some shows with manly violence in them to me. Oh, and not any variation on CSI - fucking David Caruso's syphilis-raddled face has poisoned me against all forms of CSI forever. And not Supernatural either, for the same reason only substitute "Jared Padalecki" for "David Caruso".

God. Why is there not more Jericho? WHY YOU GUYS?! Okay, Jake Green never tied a bunch of hams to some guy so alligators would eat him, and he can't fight crime with maths, but he can fly planes and look sad, and I bet Mister Hawkins is the World Champion when it comes to pistol-whipping and the torture of suspects.

Goddamn you, television. Don't force me to entertain myself!

Man, how ACTION-PACKED is the second season of Jericho? See Jake fly a plane! See Mister Hawkins kill about eighteen thousand guys with his bare hands! See missiles! See stabbings! See Texas save the world! See The Dave's old boss wear a crazy moustache!

And, don't get me wrong, I love car chases and exciting PLANE WARS as much as anyone, but the first season had these really beautiful quiet moments that were just about like, people being people, and didn't involve X-TREME ACTION TO THE MAXX, and I felt that because they were only given seven episodes to wrap the whole thing up, it was all about Jake and Mister Hawkins beating everyone up and so we didn't get that same feeling of... humanness, I guess... that we did in season one, because it was all RARGH NO THE GOVERNMENT IS EVIL AND OWNED BY CORPORATE AMERICA HODGINS WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG RARGH!

Also, I am calling him Mister Hawkins because every time I go to write Hawkins by itself I keep thinking I mean Ben from Carnivale and then I get really confused - is he healing folks or breaking necks? Actually, Ben would probably break necks if he had to, but then he would have to brood and look pretty for the next two episodes, whereas in Jericho brooding and looking pretty is clearly Jake's role. Mister Hawkins has no time for brooding - he only has time for KICKING TERRORIST ASS!

Also! ( Read more... )

Also! I am very sad that the mysterious John Smith did not in fact turn out to be a school-masterly David Tennant. That would have been awesome - David Tennant and Lennie James in a knock-down drag-out fight over a nuclear warhead would have been So Cool.

So in conclusion: it was cool, but CBS are fucking retards and it should never have been cancelled.

Into the West is alright, but like all other shows about the Wild West that are not Deadwood, it suffers from an excess of not being Deadwood. Also, Skeet Ulrich has a stupid beard and Christian Kane is possibly the worlds least convincing Lakota Indian, and his pigtails are stupid. So, fail. Mr Ellsworth needs to give them both a good talking to if you ask me.

I was going to write something about the Once a Thief TV series here, but I need to go find Jericho porn, so I'll just say Krycek = Pretty and have done with it. He is pretty though.

PS: I guess if somebody wanted to write me Jacob/Jethro porn, I might reconsider my take on Into the West. Lindsey will always be stupid, though.

Oh no, you guys, a terrible thing has happened! See, there I was, innocently enjoying a day filled with zombies and/or Cillian Murphy, minding my own business, not doing anything mean to anybody (for a change). And I'm about half-way through 28 Days Later, and part of me is enjoying the zombie monkey action while another part is wondering why Cillian Murphy insists on starring in films that, with the exception of Batman Begins, either suck or require him to be not-hot*.

And then. THEN! I realise that the evil Army dude who keeps zombies chained up in his garden, stupidly within reach of clean laundry, is Christopher... well, I can't remember how to spell his last name, but the Potato-Headed Doctor Who! And he's all, "Oh Cillian Murphy, I shall make you my own personal Boy Wench," and Cillian Murphy is all, "I would rather be stabbed in the throat with a PEN!" and then violence happens, and now my brain is all, "Dude, we should write some kind of Doctor Who/28 Days Later crossover with perhaps ADDED JACKSON RIPNER and inappropriately feminine scarves!" and I am entirely disgusted with myself.

Although not so disgusted that I didn't immediately go looking for such fic, and feel disappointed when I found none.

Oh, and also? The Wind That Shakes The Barley is SHIT! All of Ireland should be nuked in punishment for that film. Fuck you, Ireland, even Skeet Ulrich and JAMES REMAR cannot save you now.

*Please note, I am not denying that he was very pretty in Breakfast on Pluto, it's just that my own personal preference for Cillian Murphy does not extend to Fishnet Stockings Flavoured Cillian. Unless he gets it on with Dakin. That would be acceptable.

So, today I'm sat there watching Miracles (shut up, I am not obsessed with Skeet Ulrich, I have just... developed a slight appreciation for him that I didn't have before) and dudes. Dudes! The guy playing Alva Keel is that crazy government dude who tries to set up Batbale's character in Equilibrium - not the guy played by my least favourite smug fuckwit Taye Diggs, I mean the one who was Father's Voice but then actually it turned out he was the secret king all along! And then I was watching Scream (shut up!) and I got to thinking about who would win in a fight between Batbale and Skeet Ulrich, and okay, in a serial killin' contest, clearly Batbale, but if there really was an Apocalypse, Skeet would be all, fixin' tractors and putting out fires and saving the day using only SALT and JAMES REMAR, and Batbale would be all like, "Le fuck! The economy is destroyed and without my money I actually can't do anything!" and Skeet Ulrich would laugh and kick some radioactive Denver Dust in his face.

Also, Sheriff Constantino is such a beardy fucking retard. He's all like, oh no, George Hearst, you can't have Skeet Ulrich and your other loser son back, because I'm the Secret King of Kansas, and George Hearst is like, I think you should give me Skeet and Reject Son back, and Sheriff Constantino is like, I said no, and I'm like, FUCK YOU SHERIFF CONSTANTINO, IS GEORGE HEARST GONNA HAVE TO CHOP SOME FINGERS?! BECAUSE HE'S DONE IT TO BADDER BADASSES THAN YOU, MY BEARDY FRIEND! And then George Hearst is like, Tank! For you! In your face! and that's no more than he deserves.